heh. couldn't resist.

Surprisingly I managed to squeeze most things into my small size luggage. 

Will only be carrying essentials and some light stuff with me as hand carry.

I'm so paranoid - that something could go wrong - thinking of how to hide my money so i won't get pick pocketed, thinking of how to hide money so that when i get robbed, i technically won't be cleaned out, thinking of how to dress so that I look nice but don't look like I should be targeted for a robbery. And then there's the plane.. woah my god.

I'll let you know how Air Asia went - let's see if my $1.1 was worth it mannnn

wokay - its really late now. i should get some rest... gdnite world. 

half a year to be exact

the kind where you're too tired to do something constructive yet too restless to sleep. 

Hopefully Europe will have me rewound.

I was actually hoping for a change of scenery, I thought that it would do me good.

But seeing as the situation is so jia lat. I'll have to settle for Singapore.

I'm too young to be jaded. 

Or on the other hand, maybe I'm just not ready to settle into adulthood

(you're 3 years too late! - I know I know I know)

Duty beckons and conscienceness weighs down on me.

I have to do something with my life. Its the only moral / ethical thing to do. 

If you had no worldly obligations or limitations, what would you want to be?

omg- I just realised that's such a beauty queen answer. 

but I mean it. 

i miss us. 

tired of us being apart. 

Because I have to. Because I need to. 

This year has not been my best - but heck, let's not blame it on the year; I've not been at my best. 

But at least bits of that still shine through now and then. So all is really not lost.

I screwed up my semester; I've been a blank at work, dragging my feet to work (or rather to the cab that I take to work because I just cannot be bothered to wake up any earlier for it). I've not been able to give extra support to the boyfriend and all for what.. all for nought; all for half fucked attempts which come to zilch; well almost. 

At least, I'm rethinking myself now and not gone over the edge; Thinking of the chinese saying where you pull back a horse just in time before they gallop over the edge of a cliff. 

Yeah, I was that horse. 

But I was pulled back by... my boyfriend, my body's instinctive reflex to survive, my spirit refusing to die out and my conscience of responsibility. 

Story of my life..

I guess I'm not going to say that I never have regrets anymore because I really did regret not studying hard enough for my exam; not thinking ahead for work and not looking out for my loved one. But I've gone past that and decided to say that I won't let my regrets get the better of me anymore - key word being 'anymore'. 

The first half of the year is coming to an end ; I told myself and almost everybody else that my first half of the year was literally chock-a-block filled up and if there were to be any other events / things, it would have to be in the 2nd half of the year. 

I am looking forward to it - I see... us spending more time together (a lot a lot a lot more..) ; I see progress in work; I see myself being more diligent in school and with money; 

I see... Joline coming back. 

On another note; I'm just really happy everything went well for Ali on her special day;

A lot things that were supposed to happen may not have happened but one can only do what they set out to do, hope for the best and watch everything fall into place.

Lex says that he will hire me as the wedding planner for our wedding;

I still find that very hilarious - I will charge extra just because - but I'm still undecided about the entire comb of shark's fin in the shark's fin soup - 

the wedding gown from Paris though - I think I will need 3 fittings for it at least... 

wahahaha

but now, there are no more bubbles left to be burst. 

i just - want to run away. 

just. tragic. 

how can i make you see how i feel?

how can i make you feel how i feel?

how can i understand how I feel. 

god...

but I found my IC and my Student ID - just in time for my exam... so I guess

All is not lost... 

I just want to abandon all ambition and just be a bum.. just because. 

okay, back to finance. 

I used to be write depressing melancholy pieces that took on a cloak of positive pretense. 

Now, I'm just all fuddled, muddled, duddled.

and swuddled. lullddled. kruddled.

i.e. nonsensical.

ah hambug

I guess I've really degenerated now. have i.

Its like trying to reach someone and getting annoyed at why you can't reach them and then realising its because they don't exist anymore. Or they've changed numbers and just don't want to talk to you. 

*ramble* *ramble* *ramble*

Because the sum of nothing is, just that - nothing at all.

On a pragmatic point of view - I have a few things on my mind:

- My finance exam on May 19th

- The sales calls I have to make ... sooner or later

- Alicia's wedding

- 5 kg

- messy room 

- phootshoot 

- my attitude towards life

I just feel like running away again, from all this shit. 

What shit you ask me?

The kind where you're stuck between wanting to go where you could have gone and being unable to go back to where you were left behind. 

I don't know what I'm talking about - nvm goodnight world. 

goodnight.

degenerated.

and that my life is just whizzing me by.

it's all the internet's fault.

*pout*

It is exciting because people are seemingly coming together for a cause - a cause for diversity and fairness.

what happened to truth hurting but it is the only thing that well, holds true?

why can't i just grit my teeth and see through it all?

i wish i had a shrink. 

or just someone to talk to. 

quite good it was. 

The city is BUSTLING and ripping apart at the seams with people, especially kwai los' but that's whats happening about it. They have beautiful bars, restaurants, buildings and at least one restaurant employ cute bartenders who ask you whether you're over 18 yet. hehehe...

The boutique hotel I stayed in was cosy and pretty - a lot of attention to detail yes. 

I will put up pictures in a bit and maybe it will be easier to tell you my HK story. heh

lets go away for a weekend trip to Hong Kong boys and girls!

What's really been said?

What's really been done?

Newton's Law of Motion

following the norm

motivation

 

We'll see. 

****

warning - rambling ahead - 

(only people who care will read it - and realise that this is how my brain works)

I had a few revelations in the bath earlier, I always have revelations in the bath to be honest. 

Its a very spiritual, cleansing of the body and mind - reflecting about the days ins and outs, recollecting and the occasional kicking myself for thinking of a comeback that was well, too late because it wasn't thought of when needed - yeah. I always think of good comebacks to conversations when I'm in the bath. I guess, this proves I'm not a bad conversationalist and that I am funny - you just need to wait a bit or, talk to me when I'm in the bath.

Back to my revelations - which I am actually putting off writing because:-

1. Who likes to have their insecurities revealed?

2. I always feel guilty when I talk about myself too much - but this is my blog what (and then I justify it...)

3. Okay, this was a sneaky way of putting it off. 

and now that I've lingered too long away from it, it will seem so silly now because I've created too much suspense...

Well - 

Revelation #1: I'm an escape artist - an escapist - what have you - I've taken to escaping very well

Revelation #2: I can't remember what it was - fuck. But. I will elaborate on #1 and then let's see if #2 comes back to mind.

So in relation with being an escape artist - one of my valued tools is having a selective memory - say - what I was supposed to say again? Oh. Right. 

Selective memory - I swear, I can mentally block things from my mind - either intentionally or unintentionally - I've mentioned before that this was a way to move on for me - 

Similar to how, when you want to do something or be something, if you pretend to be able to do it long enough, you will soon find yourself actually having the ability eventually - unless someone blows your cover, which means that you didn't pretend hard enough.

For me, one of things I pretend to have is confidence - 

the unfortunate thing for my method of faking till you have it is that... sometimes you betray yourself- 

You know that you aren't the real deal and so - it eats you from inside until you can't take it anymore. Its not as dramatic as it sounds - but I guess, I just can't care about being social. 

Yes the attractions lies in being able to talk to anyone and going to places and always being able to find a familiar face. But I seriously, ultimately, can't give 2 flying fucks. 

But in life, you have to - make the connections and all that. 

I find it easier to do this for work - because I have to - but out of the required mode, I just fail terrible. I take an awful long time to warm up but I'm sure friends can attest to me as a friend who will try her best to be there for you. 

Okay, back to escape artist - 

The other thing I realised today is that I enjoy work more than I enjoy studying - I mean, of course, there are conditions required - that I am actually doing constructive work and that I am given opportunity and time to do so. 

I get depressed whenever my boss is not around/contactable - I feel like I have no role model or motivation - but thankfully, she's been around of late and implemented this Monday Marketing Meeting where we have 1 - 2 hrs of being able to discuss events and opportunities with her. The reason why I love interacting with her is because she gives credit where credit is due and I know that she truly values me - she gives me the stick when I give her shit but she also knows how to reward when I've done a good job. I like to think of the upcoming HK trip as a small reward in itself ;) I'm only mentioning it now - hate to play it up in case I jinx it.

Ah yes, I remember revelation #2 now - its sad really - almost as sad as revelation #1 - 

and it is - that my life revolves around guilt - around feeling guilty and thinking about how other people deal with guilt. 

The most recent occurrence was yesterday when I didn't go swimming - it was really silly. 

My aunt told me that she wasn't keen because she's damn paranoid that if she doesn't go with me, the club won't let me in (and what... bar me for life? put my picture up next to Mas Selamat with "No Enter" underneath in red text?) 

I was damn sian and just shuffled past her to the bathroom to wash up - and then shuffled past her again to my bedroom to lock myself up and consider jogging alone. She knocked on the door very timidly and realising the power of guilt I had over her, I ignored her quiet knocks until she called out for me in a strained voice - and I just shouted 'what..?'. I didn't realise how hugely she was persuaded until she said, "I'll give you the locker key.." (the key to the swimming pool locker). Without even thinking, I said, "Its okay, I dont' want to go anymore..." and I fed her guilt like crazy - the feeling of 'feeling bad' and then, I was enveloped by the feeling of 'feeling bad' too. and I hated myself. 

The other occurrence was on Saturday night - it wasn't the same kind of situation at all - it was an argument between lex and I - about how I was being a depressed twit and he had to suck it up even though he was equally depressed, plus he had a lot of work to do. 

I was unusually less argumentative and he said something along the lines of "you keep quiet coz you know you are in the wrong and you feel guilty" and I... kept quiet and just kept apologising. Apologise for what? I didn't know myself until I thought of a comeback (yes, in the bath) now the comeback was thought off only a few days later - but it was because I continued being in slightly depressed-self-destructive mode but on like a mild level - to elaborate, I was "okay" and proceeded to wiki-spree and finish the entire season of Belle de jour on his megavideo account and slept late, thought of him before finally being able to dose off. 

This only happens when he's away - 

so my comeback - though not really meant to be an in your face comeback - more like a gentle, vulnerable reply is - 

that yes, I am guilty - I feel guilty because 

a) yes, I miss you like ker-ay-zee

b) and I feel guilty for moping because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way (ideally) and I shouldn't have dissed your "spiel" of positive talk  - I should be rejoicing in your positivy

but sadly, last of all

c) I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't stand being alone - and I felt that it was not fair to have you deal with it either. and this is actually a separate reason from missing him - its a separate issue of just having to deal with being by myself 

So that was a part of the reason.. and I couldn't tell anyone - because everyone has their own shit - and I can therefore only turn to him but then, at the same time I couldn't, also because I hadn't expressed the thought in my head yet. 

So that was it - that was all that was playing on my mind in the background like a subliminal message but I couldn't put my finger on it. 

Sometimes, I think my mind is like a warbled speaker - all the thoughts come out blurry and undistinguishable - but I sort of get the message but need some time to process it through.. a translator of sorts - the translator being time... 

to put a happy end to this - I'm snapping out of the mild-depressive-destructive state now - will go to sleep also because I have a headache and - wear a nice dress tomorrow because I have a meeting with boss and potential client *cross fings*!

and get a mani pedi so I will have perfect nails for HK - haha silly I know. but why have ugly chipped nails to get you down when you're in a foreign land?

gdnite world. 

and throughout the years, their reign still holds strong and their new album Seeing Sounds is still amazing. How he gets releases catchy hooks is really an art form. 

So yes, No One Every Really Dies. 

But before that, let's talk about the good stuff. 

Everything was strangely relaxing today. 

Maybe it was due to the unusual peaceful quiet in the office - I managed to leave earlier than usual. 

Maybe it was the long corridor that takes you from the North East Line to the North South Line that was unusually organised as there are now yellow lines demarcating lanes in which most people tended to stick to. 

And then I entered an MRT cabin that was spacious because it was the kind that had no seats and lots of railings and overhead handles. I actually had space to whip out my "Julie & Julia" book and engulfed it while time took, well, its own sweet time to take me to Clementi. 

And then the bus, came immediately and though there was the usual throng of adult workers who transform into adult students as soon as it hits 7pm, I managed to somehow get a seat in the upper deck! 

Oh wait, before that, a guy coolly let me go up first and smiled my thank you because he had music blasting in his ears. 

And the weather, the entire day was cooling - not the sleepy-oh-gawd-i-should-be-in-bed kind but the sprightly-i'm-so-glad-i'm-out-in-this-weather kind.

So this was my Marvellous Monday. :)

but then I kinda abused it because I OD-ed on the youtubing- googling-wikipedia-ing and all because I watched "America's Next Top Model" on TV. I catch a media bug super easily and it gives me a heady voracious insatiable hunger that doesn't make sense. 

Well anyway, I managed to close a window and retract from the laptop, wash my face, brush my teeth and message the boyfriend goodnight. 

and now, I shall end my lovely Monday with some lovely sleep. 

Goodnight world. 

Will be having night class for the next three days straight. I can only hope I don't end up cranky/dead at the end of this week.

It all started yesterday when I got home early for a Friday after dinner with Angela- chatted with the boyfriend and then promptly fell asleep without showering. However, I woke up in the middle of the night and sleepily set the alarm an hour earlier so I could shower in the morning and maybe do a facial mask as well. 

Surprisingly, I did manage to roll off my bed and shower thoroughly and luxuriously. That felt really good - then I did my face mask routine which comprises of the Biore black peach pore pack and a peel off "Himalayan" mask (purchased from Watsons). Turned on the a/c on low so that the mask and pore pack could dry properly and not be half-fucked from the humidity. Lying with my face covered in gunk, propped up on my fluffy pillow and my body feeling nicely scrubbed. It was heavenly - and I promptly fell asleep again, but not before setting off an alarm to go off 15 mins, 30 mins and then 45 mins later. 

After the final alarm, I reluctantly awoke and with my handy dandy mirror that I keep at my bedside, I peeled off the pore pack first, marvelled at the disgusting blackheads that now populated the now hardened strip, and then proceeded to peel, no, tear off the very very very dried and tightly adhered layer of skin-coloured-dried-paint-texture-like mask off my face, without trying to frown so it wouldn't create temporary wrinkles. 

The mask helps to weed out blackheads, tiny hairs as well as tighten my pores. It also helped to make me fully awake as all the nerves on my face screamed as I painstakingly tore off the stubborn mask. When I was done, my face was perfect and my eyes watering. 

In preparation for my day out, I threw on (after some deliberation) my newly purchased shirt dress (got it for $13 yesterday at This Fashion), my faded three-quarts (for decency because I was going to meet a client first thing) and slightly mismatched floral wedges (because I was running slightly late). Laid back and comfy :)

The meeting at the Jongs went well. Mrs Jong is always so motherly and funny. She also commented that I lost weight - which is factually highly contrary to reality - but I graciously thanked her for the compliment and then made an ungracious giggle. 

I did a lot of walking after that - and boy, the sun was full out today - but I walked happily from Tanglin area, to Borders to search for a book. In the meantime, I arranged to meet Risca for Lunch near her new lovenest with Yonas (light brown bldg behind Taka). We had Shokudo for lunch which is always SHO(I)K! I then crashed at her place while the newly infatuated Khai took the entire afternoon to finally decide to part from her new special friend. 

After one and a half hrs of "Waking Up in Reno" which was interesting becauce it featured Charlize Theron and that guy (can't rmb his name) and Penelope Cruz waaaay back - when Penelope looked damn skinny and gangly, and then an hour of "Hey! Paula" about Paula Abdul - yawn - and then a half hour of "American Idol" (I didn't know they had a blind finalist!!! Will it turn out like Singapore's SuperStar? Where the guy was speculated to have sympathy votes?) , I finally met with Khai outside Gloria Jeans, then proceeded to Coffee Bean and caught up over iced coffee and sadly old cheesecake that I mashed up mid conversation. She's happy and I'm glad :)

We then walked all the way across town to "The Lingerie Shop" at Palais Renaissance for their sale - according to Khai, they had discounts up to 90%! Entering the main boutique on the third floor, it looked nothing like a sale - no signage, no greedy customers, nothing - before I thought that this sale was looking very subtle, the lady cheerily told us to 'check out the sale on the basement' - I had a sneaky suspicion that us non-attas clad mortals were not there for their fine lingerie but there because we smelt a bargain, but she was being very nice about it. And we immediately backtracked and sniffed our way down to the basement and found the glorious sale. 

Unfortunately, the range was so-so and the items that we were interested in, still came up to quite a lot even after discount - as their original price was very high to begin with. And besides, I already felt I had a lot of bras and undies - any more would be a want and not a need. So I checked out their nighties and found a cute and unique blue peacock number which came up to a slightly higher price than what you find outside but bought anyway because it was so cute :) This is my third nightie now that I can add to my new collection :)

Disappointed from having found nothing worth buying, Khai and Rad wanted to go to La Senza also because she had their membership card and could get discounts off items that were already cheap to begin with so would definitely be even cheaper! 

I bought 5 undies - at promotional price - with further discount thanks to Khai's membership!

They spent a whole hour at the shop and left with more than what I purchased - you could tell from the largely varying size of paperbags we received. Mine was a cute B5 sized paperbag that fit my 5 undies nicely. Theirs were large almost A3 sized paper bags to fit their many bras and undies. They were rather satisfied I think.

From Paragon, we walked to Cineileisure again to see if we could catch a movie. However the shows were either sold out or something that Khai had already caught. I was adamant that we caught a show because that - would have completed my chill out weekend. So we decided to try our luck at Cathay at Handy Rd, but not before resting and having dinner at Kobayashi (Jap for lunch, Korean for dinner hehe)

Not a wide selection at The Cathay eventually but we finally agreed on "Marley and Me" because it was a safe choice and it was the only choice pretty much. We also chanced upon a lovely bazaar that was in the outdoor atrium of The Cathay - we pounced on the first stall we saw and I decisively paid for two dresses - one was plain black for work - the other was faded colourful striped - for me - for fun.

For the next 3.5 hrs, we sat at our (technically) 3rd coffee joint for the day and stoned/read/played hangman/listened to music/watch Khai model clothes from the bazaar until it was finally about time to go up for the movie. 

"Marley and Me" was endearing and heartwarming. I noticed that Jenn Aniston's chin is saggier but that's what happens when you watch super backdated episodes of Friends and then see the same actress on the big screen updated with age. I'm gonna give away the ending - Marley dies and you don't get to see him as a cute pup much in the movie. Most of the antics involve him as a fully grown intimidating adult that instilled fear in neighbours, postmen, delivery men, dog trainer and an unfortunate dog-sitter but loved his owner's family to bits, sometimes, tearing their furniture, into bits. The whole show's message was about family and yadayada - the govt should consider screening this movie for free because it makes family life seem so easy to have - the only downside they had was, torn furniture, having to deal with poop, a somewhat "dangerous" neighbourhood, not being able to fully pursue their already well developed careers and death of the dog. They didn't have insecurity issues, they didn't have a flawed marriage with wandering partners, they didn't extraordinary problems with their children and they didn't grow fat or old even when they grew old - not one bit - they should take some make up tips from the Benjamin Button crew - at least give the actors more wrinkles/ lines when they turned 40 on the show to inject some realism. Give Jennifer Aniston some stretch marks for god's sakes since her character keeps producing babies. 

Well, I don't really have anymore complaints. I cooked this entry in my head in the taxi on the way home and now reproduced it online. 

The only complaint I have its that I really miss Alex. 

I miss him the most when I'm having fun because I wish I was having fun with him too. 

I want him in my sorrow and in my joy. 

Its been a beautiful day.

everything seems so peaceful now.. though I still feel like I'm at the brink of insanity, I find myself having the willpower to pull myself back. 

I've gotten into the bad habit of running away again. I guess I'm just weary from fighting all my life. and then having nothing to fight for and then now, having something to fight for again - myself.

the feelings of despair, the feelings of dark despair. all thrown back at me, all deemed to be useless. 

and they are. they are indeed useless, in fact, they are the antithesis of anything useful. 

though the lull of giving up draws near, I pull myself away to face harsh brittle reality - 

i can't freeze myself in a moment in time, I know that it will all rush by and memory can't grasp tight enough to hold on for long enough. and soon enough life passes you by. 

but what other way is there to live?

underneath that layer

what are you hiding there, 

why don't you seek me in the dark 

why don't you come and care

what are you hiding there

why do you find comfort in that lair

of deceit, distractions and disillusions

why are you hiding from the one that cares...

I love swimming - it is the only exercise I love and can do for 45 mins sort of non-stop happily. 

Credit must be given to Alex though, for bringing out the will power in me to push my limit - albeit not very far but farther than I ever knew. 

It happened the first time we went jogging together. I knew that I've always been rather strong and maybe even fit but I hated running since my bad experience in Track and Field during Secondary school days. But years later, no pressure whatsoever, running with a lover was a liberating experience. I ran non-stop for I can't remember now, 30 or 40 mins?

 and didn't die. 

haha.

From that day on, I knew that if I pushed myself, I was able to run more, swim more, do more. 

This is very important to me - because now I have the knowledge of having the ability to do something I never imagined possible. I swear. I never freaking exercised before. 

Every ache, every tension in my body makes me feel proud.  hee. 

I loved swimming but never attempted laps. I can carry heavy things and I think I might put up a good fight in an arm wrestling competition but lets not go there yet. 

Gonna try to do 45 mins swim twice a week and then maybe up it to an hour, twice a week - I know I can. 

<3

I keep envisioning that he'll get a job with a great firm, that I'll be able to get a job that is convenient and enjoyable. 

I forsee that with some help, I will be able to hook myself up with something. 

Visas and what not - no problem.. 

I envision, a lovely home, a lovely place.

I envision that the weather will never drag me down. 

That I will keep in touch with all my loved ones via email, facebook etc and that they will come visit me when they travel.

I imagine a farewell party, a farewell dinner that is teary - and that I will hug all my friends and tell them how much I miss them and love them. 

I envision a beautiful future. 

One without regrets. 

There was Benjamin Button, The Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire...

All rather different movies. 

I suppose.

I enjoyed all of em - Benjamin Button was beautiful, The Wrestler was rather heart wrenching, Slumdog Millionaire was engaging and endearing and had an awesome soundtrack.

hmm..

Going to be very busy with work - school - alicia's wedding - the gretel idea...

choc-a-bloc-a-bloc.

but i'm also going to be enjoying myself- there's batam next weekend - gonna be paintballing, spaing, eating, relaxing....

then there's coldplay on 23 March. I can't believe i'm going :)

i can't believe i paid $188 - but hey, its a first. 

and then 2 days later, i'll be picking Alex from the airport :D

and we'll have 28 days of studying together.. and one another. hiakz3

after he returns, i'll be having exams - 

followed by Alicia's wedding

followed by Europe trip - ps. decided to go to spain instead.

And AFTER THAT, its saving money all the way, and leading a life with Alex everyday.. I can't wait... :)

*beam*

Benjamin Button's movie tag line was right, life really is, measured in moments...

Its gonna be a great year I say. 

LOL (lots of love), 

Joline

In an ideal world, we would communicate our ideas openly and freely and not have any more hidden meanings and messages.

To hide under the excuse of having not enough money is just, well, insulting, I suppose - to people who really do not have enough money.

And, besides, its just lunch. 

sigh.

On a good note - I've REstarted studying today. Time to get back on track.

My horoscope says today is the best time to break a habit - maybe its to break the habit of procrastination - the intricate and sometimes successful work of the lil devil on my shoulder. The lil angel on my other shoulder has returned from her daydreaming hiatus to battle the eternal war between good and evil. i.e., my conscience has been pricked.

Gdnite.