Stuck at Cross Roads..

A letter to god

2011-08-13T02:42:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Whoever you are - whether you truly exist - are if you are a figment of man's imagination.
I suppose I need to give you credit - for my life. For the elements that are not within my control - for everything that is larger than me.

I do feel very blessed - and I do feel very fortunate.

I want to thank you for bestowing me with so much love and life - with so much experience, and opportunities.

I don't know if you are responsible for the way I'm feeling now - that sense of awareness about how lucky I am - but please know that I do.

At this point, I don't know where life will lead - I don't know how things are going to end up.
But I am truly happy that they are the way they are.

I know I can do more. But I know that in order to do more - I need to just do.

I know I've not been operating at optimal level - and that I've been indulging myself in just being.
But that has in turn given me the ability to percieve things at a clearer level.
That has helped develop that calm and peace within me - though bordering on laziness.

I do accept that things are in your hands - as they put it.

Know that I am not bored with the monotony of life - or that I am not overwhelmed with situations around me. I just hope that it is not the calm before the storm. And if it is - I hope that I will be well prepared for when that happens.

In the meantime, I truly appreciate everything and everyone.

And I thank you.

Love,
Joline

2011 March-ing on...

2011-03-06T15:42:00.002+08:00

He proposed. We're engaged and planning the wedding.

Being the paranoid person that I am, weddings to me truly mean a lifetime of commitment:
- finances, children, retirement, trust funds.

So these issues were on my mind the past two months. And they are things that I cannot let slip through the cracks.

On top of finishing up my degree, working hard at CL, keeping the relationship fresh and meeting up with the gang.

I suppose, everything seems rather 'too good to be true'. I always thought I wouldn't go down the conventional route (note the distinction from "wanting to go the conventional route").

Yet now, it seems like a natural thing to me. Do note the distinction of natural from effortless.
Because it has NOT been effortless - there has been much effort, much thought, much talk, much compromise which resulted in much self-discovery, much annoyance and also much joy and much love.. :)

Finding one's true love is not a fairytale experience - you do not have magic hair or royal ancestry (at least not I),you do not have evil witches who force you to eat poisoned apples, or turn you into an animal... you do not get whisked away by a prince on a white horse who saves you by just smacking one on your lips (with some swordplay maybe).

But you do have a magical experience when you feel that tingling chemistry, that unique sensation of belonging and acceptance (in a loving way)...

you do have to fight the battle of the mundane - but that's where your weapons of 'learning how to appreciate the little things', 'faith', 'trust' and constant jibing and humour come into play.

you do end up having a prince, at least, in the kingdom of your heart (room rented in aunt's home) - sometimes the prince throws his dirty clothes everywhere on the floor, sometimes the prince massages you after a long day, sometimes the prince encourages you to keep studying/working.

you also do get one smacked on your face a few times a day.. :)

I would love to contribute to the success stories of modern day love - esp when it seems dismally common to hear of failed relationships, marriages and dysfunctional families.
Sometimes, there are valid reasons as to why relationships, marriages and families stay apart - like cases of abuse etc... but I suppose, unless there is an extreme reason for one to leave - the only other reason is always self-serving.

Cliche but true - when you're with someone for life - and when you have children - its never just all about you.

The question is - are you ready to live life that way from hereon? Having to consider someone else's needs and wants, sometimes above your own..? That is an individual preference that only the person can answer and (should) not subject themselves to societal pressure.

So here continues fighting the good fight. I'm optimistic and looking forward to living out the rest of my life with the sharp witted speaker, working hard together for our future, fighting and making up, loving and surprising, nudging him in the middle of the night to stop sleeping on his face coz he can't breathe... face other challenges that I cannot even foresee / comprehend at this point in time.

"Here we go... come with me
there's a world out there that we should see,
take my hand, close your eyes,
with you right here, I'm a rocketeer - let's flyyyy...."

bloated

2010-08-15T22:54:00.002+08:00

I'm so bloated right now. I suspect its because my period is coming. And I had a big dinner.

Over my cheese baked rice (3 things that really shouldn't happen at the same time. sigh), I (re)told Alex about my decision to stay where I am and complete my degree. Though it does seem like I'm back at square one - and yeah, well, actually I'm at negative square something, because I could have already been almost done with my degree if I had the foresight to see this day coming. But I didn't.

So here I am - took a whole year to figure out that I choose reality and not dreams.

I'm not disgruntled though - no. When I came to the realisation during the previous post - I was truly at peace with myself. And now its just a matter of grinding time.

So here's the deal - the factors behind the decision made was really a matter of practicality.

My 'dream' / ambition was not strong enough to warrant the risks that would have been taken.

I will not have any regrets because this is something I decide for myself.

That I need to earn and save the money for my future and that opportunities will definitely swing by again. I will grow and I will become more suited to what I am meant to do.

I foresee something though - I foresee more solitude for myself - or maybe a more selectively social life.

Only because I can feel the bonds of friendship slipping through my the little gaps of my fingers, even though I clasp my fist so tightly.

What remains - is just a feeling, an essence - I believe, and hope.

Its fine really - that's what really mattered anyway.

I am a little disappointed sometimes - that things like respect and trust, are just not viewed with importance, as much, or sometimes, at all. But that's what you get when you put your heart out there - a possibility of getting hurt. Nonetheless, its a weeding process I suppose. Something that is not done by me but by them.

goodnight world.

*burp*

Acceptance

2010-08-05T23:10:00.002+08:00

iAcceptance.

Religions and psychological treatments often suggest the path of acceptance when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk. Acceptance may imply only a lack of outward, behavioral attempts at possible change, but the word is also used more specifically for a felt or hypothesized cognitive or emotional state.

I accepted my situation today.

Although it was not absolutely disliked and unchangeable - but it was to a certain extent of dislike and it was not worth changing.

oh right - the change, was indeed possibly at great cost or risk. That's for sure.

A lack of outward behavioural attempts at possible change?

Hypothesized cognitive or emotional state..?

I suppose I agree with them - my acceptance has resulted in a definite inaction - a lack of change, and it is a supposed cognitive and definitely emotive state.

I was emotional before I accepted my situation - not emotional in absolutely negative sense of the word, but just on a high and low - passionate, driven, yet tormented and struggling...

I know now that to do what I'm doing now - and do my best, will be good enough.

I do not have to be a saint - that will come later.

Now is not the time.

namaste. and all that.

If you were dead

2010-07-02T21:53:00.002+08:00

"Love of mine ... someday you will die, but I'll be close behind, I'll follow you, into the dark(?)"

Now... I don't know whether I'll really kill myself and pray that we'll be able to hold hands while we wait at the pearly gates of white for St Peter to say "next".

Especially if we have kids and other earthly commitments to do.

But I was wondering...

The thing that struck me the most during funerals - is how the body looks like they are just - asleep. Now, if you reverse the situation, sometimes people fall into a death-like sleep.

With you, it never happens because you make a lot of noise when you sleep - but today in the cab, you were silent and your face was still.

It shocked me that you weren't 'purring' but what shocked me more was that you were having that frozen, death-like look.

And as I was saying, I wondered, if, when you die, would I just sit in a corner and mourn the loss of a soulmate. Or would I want to hold your cold hands for literally, cold comfort.

The touch wouldn't be the same - no warmth, no rhythmic breathing, no dull thud of a heartbeat.

Am I in love with your soul and body or am I just in love with your soul.
I know that bodies fade and fail - so I don't place that much of importance to them.. maintenance yes, just long enough to enjoy this life.

So, if I love your soul much more than your body - does that mean that I love you for you?

I suppose so.

I do know that - though I won't follow you into the dark. A part of me will - because that other half would have died, along with you.

torrential rain

2010-05-17T03:42:00.002+08:00

There's a torrential rain right now - doubt I can swim tomorrow morning. And I was disappointed that it started to rain literally just as I stepped out to swim earlier today.

Tomorrow is the start of two weeks of challenging management of work. I'm both hesitantly and positively challenged because I know I have back up and I know I can do it - but somehow I envision myself wiped out at the end of it and crawling back home in exhausted victory (hopefully).

Other than the meaninglessness of making a living, where or rather, how am I at this point in my life?

I think I've found true happiness in the form of the pork-lard-baby-man. Who although has his angry attributes, has a lot of endearing and desirable qualities. But its not so much how the person is, but rather, how they relate to you... I've been having my share of upsets & mini crises, and he's been very supportive. We can sit back and talk over things like a pair of best friends - we can have a jug of beer (each - and I say this not very proudly), we can still manja like lovers and I won't go into more detail lest you start cringing (further).. We definitely do have our "exchanges", shall I call it that? Okay, outright fights - and that's usually when either or (god help us) both of us are emotional and we usually come out of it apologetic. Also - it helps that the fights generally get shorter and shorter. I think we pretty know how it should end so we just cut to the chase.

As for the other best friend - I don't think she'll even read this blog so I'll just pour out my feelings. I think I've lost her in the smokescreen... I hate to say this, but I've stopped trying - but only because any attempts whatsoever, feels like it'll be anti-constructive. I (try to) understand her situation, her words and actions or inactions - but somehow, there's no point in doing so. All semi-concrete news I have are from third parties. That's my broken telephone communication at the moment. I guess the song Telephone really describes how it is with us right now. I know its unfair to say this - because she's the 'victim' in all this - but to me it just simply sucks that the friendship has dipped to a bare existence, and its just stagnating... and I have no real choice about it. I wonder if, it ever feels to her as even a tiny fraction of how she feels about an insignificant other. Not to mention, the whole unfortunate behaviour of deprivation - deprivation from being in her life, being in my god-daughter's life, and just being.

Simply put - she's just stopped behaving like a best friend and slowly like a friend. And of course, her role literally in relation to the relationship, therefore results in the relationship itself - being stopped, and hence, stagnating.

Using the word stagnating, is minimum comfort as opposed to using the word, non-existent. My hope is hanging on precariously by a very thin, frail thread - and my heart, hangs from it and weighs a million tonnes.

Dramas of friendships aside (there's another cycle occurring where we all are also just wishing, hoping and praying for the best.) I'm glad that I have this support group / rat pack of 11 people who are all interconnected in various ways. We have constructively transactional relations where we support one another, advise one another, laugh at one another and just hang out with one another. To me - its not about our backgrounds - how we all came from dysfunctional families and what not - hey - who isn't nowadays, but it's more of how we became who we are despite everything. We have our own mini achievements, some (myself included) are still trying to make it - and it helps to have 11 pairs of hands that will hold you up when you slip - and make a joke about it at the same time. Maybe some are less involved than others- but we know that there's no distinction in the group - no levels, no rankings, no outright discriminations. Of course, there'll be some disagreements now and then - absences and other commitments (like other gangs..) but once a corianderean, always a corianderean (even by association).

Things are looking up - work wise. With the new opportunities arising - I'm hoping it'll fit in with what I want to embark on next year. Let's see how that pans out :)

Am I too laissez - faire...? Do I behave too care-lessly..? My existential meaning in life to me - is just it. At least right now.

Because this is all I can do now and all I can see.

I do something, if only, because it means something to me. If I leave this world right now - I would be happy. I would know that I've lived life the best way I can - in my own limited way. Of course, there's so much more potential and so much more (and I'm not really leaving the world right now anyway) but If I left right now - I would leave happily. And this therefore means that because I am living on.. that I will only be happier.

yes

2010-04-07T00:50:00.002+08:00

YES,

I AM A WOMAN,

YES,

I WOULD LIKE MY FEELINGS, EFFORTS AND CONSIDERATIONS TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR.

well hello

2010-03-29T22:43:00.003+08:00

Well, Hello!

Its been a while since I've felt like writing - and today, I had an urgent need to write - while I was lying in bed trying to sleep away my cold/flu. I think its my mind rebelling against my body's need to get well.

I didn't get up eventually - because I drifted off into a very superficial sleep while my mind and body worked against each other...

Anyway, I wanted to record this point in my life - because I feel I am at a place where - I am sort of comfortable. I know that I have to embark from this point on - to where I want to go.

I think it is also a sense of doing - I'm doing a lot of things, accomplishing a lot of things - be it small scale.

The next step to driving is my basic theory test - which I have to study for. Constantly reminding myself to memorise the parking timing regulations for the white / yellow lines.

Today, Jay was talking about about how he was studying through the weekend - and it reminded me of how I like studying - I just have to get into the groove and that's pretty much it. Of course, it would be better with no / less distractions.

In a dilemma right now - about a silly thing. I know what my heart is telling me to do - and I guess I will do it. I don't know whether to feel grateful or sad that we're having pockets of conversation. But I suppose I should feel grateful.

Other things to do:

- rearrange room - we've finally got the double bed - the most amazing / funny thing about it - is that everything's mismatched! The base is a queen, the mattress is a double and the quilt is a king size. We're using our own pillows of course - the flat one (non-existent) one for him, the firm one for me. And there's the random bolster that he took from his mom (coz it was free so take la, he said) and today when I came back, the maid had fited it with a colourful floral cover. So not matching to the already painfully trying to look decent look - I bought white bed sheet for the mattress, and gold dust colour quilt cover and used plain white pillow covers. As I didn't know the quilt was a king size, I had bought a queen size cover - But I managed the king size quilt into the queen size cover - and now it has this amazing plumped up look - the bed looks like a fucking hotel bed can! (minus the floral bolster).

I know I'm going on and on about a freaking bed - but you don't understand - lex and I have been sleeping shoulder to shoulder (with one of my shoulders in the shelf) for an accumulated year now... We were so damn happy yesterday when we slept in the bed for the first time - we could roll over and not fall off the side, or hit our faces against a hard surface! We could completely covered by the quilt so no one would be uncovered - in fact, we're so nicely tucked in - because the quilt is long enough to be tucked under the mattress - so we just slip ourselves in and tadah! plus the quilt is heavy, so it doesn't get flung off easily or slide of when we so much as breathe.

Heaven!

Okay I'm going to slip in right now! CIAO!

blue nails

2010-03-17T09:41:00.003+08:00

I have 20 mins to write something.

something something something.

something in me - seems to be restless - tossing and turning and fidgety.

something volatile - something violent - something that could die out if I do not address it.

something seems to be missing - something vague - something grey - something that wouldn't be missed - by anyone else but me.

something's making me lethargic - lazy - late.

something's telling me to stop writing about something.

******************************************************

okay - checkpoint in life. March 2010 - where have you been? where are you now? where are you heading to?

I've been adjusting to the new responsibilities that I have thrusted upon myself - feeling like i'm the major gear in this mechanism - and yet - a mechanism that is not very essential anyway.

I am now at a point in my life where things are happening - they are happening for me. And yet - only I can feel it - and no one else understands the happenings and developments in my life. because, of course, they are busy with theirs.

I am going to do something which I cannot share with anyone else - a regiment of sorts - a discovery of sorts - heading to the rest of my life.

blah.

this post is so blah - but that's the taste of life just happening on its own no?

No more being naive - taking vitamin pills - thinking of ways to prolong your life - watching what you eat - being realistic - taking care of what's right - not wasting time - feeling like there's no time left.

when you start measuring your life in larger scales (say 10 yrs as opposed to 5 yrs), that's when you know you're getting old(er).

okay i've got a bus to catch.

when the hero retires

2010-01-03T00:27:00.003+08:00

I wished I could watch my life as a movie - to see the characters unfold, to empathise, sympathise, laugh, cry, enjoy - with the knowing detachment that as soon as the credits roll, reality kicks in.
And in a day or two, the plots, the character developments, the silly or sad lines that touched my heart, were just part of an imaginary plane.

But it isn't so.

Not meaning to sound too full of myself but why does one get berated for not doing good anymore, and another gets sympathy when she stops getting charity? Should the do-gooder not be appraised for a job well done so far and the one recieving charity be grateful for what they have received. Maybe, only in my head should such justice prevail.

To do things right...
To do the right thing...

I definitely did things right, alright.
But unfortunately, I was too myopic to do the right thing.

Don't let my happy-go-lucky exterior fool you.
It doesn't mean that because I'm happy to do something, it's what I wanted all along.
Don't be so naive.

Christmas Post

2009-12-25T08:37:00.002+08:00

It's time for the annual Christmas Post!

There's isn't usually an annual Christmas Post... but Christmas always gives me this melancholy feeling - okay, maybe not melancholy but bitter sweet feeling which is a vast improvement from feeling just bitter in my younger years.

I'm actually looking very very much forward to 2010. Its a lovely number for a year.. like a restart or a new lap on the stopwatch of time in general. We all get a second chance, yet again.

Many a time I ponder about my 'unique' sense of the present. Literally, forgetting the past, sometimes, also forgetting about the future and just living in the now. Which could be either extremely positive or turn out extremely bad. Fortunately, I have the survival instinct (though sometimes it kicks in just before it's too late), to kindda keep me on track.

I guess it's time to reflect about the present (what will soon be the past) and look forward to the future.

2009 and "pre-yond" (in no particular order of importance):

1. My family has reached a stage where it's 3 women under one roof;
Even the "man" of the house has gone - I hope that Nicky is in a better place...

Nanda will be leaving (nicely requested to leave) in October. I guess... it's reached a point where only part time help will be required to upkeep the house. Anything else is a luxury according to the Aunty and she's very very carefully guarding her retirement nest egg.

I still don't know where the Mom is going or where she's coming from. I don't think she does either. But honestly, it doesn't matter to me anymore... she really is at that age where I think she can stop finding out. She is who she is and it seems better for me that way - to have that kind of certainty that she will always be this way and that allows for better planning on my part. Any other remittance in anyway, will be considered as a bonus. And no, I'm not saying this resignedly - I'm saying this lovingly, as any daughter would do.

2. I've only been going back to Gardens (albeit with the Boyfriend) every (or every other) weekend. I try to hang around to listen to the Mom and to check in that the two sisters haven't managed to wrangle each other to death with their words. I also try to catch hold of Gretel and Ashley when they're there for tuition with the Mom.

My room is an absolute state of neglected despair. I know that I don't technically live there anymore, but it's still my room - I still own it and I like knowing that it's mine. Will definitely take some time to clear it out over the next two weeks - all part of the "Dual Room Overhaul".

The Boyfriend's room has been a shared space of mess as well. I do like to think of it as an organised mess - and no, it's not a cop-out of just being lazy and stubborn. I do have designated spaces for certain things / functions like my area for clothes / area for makeup / area for dirty clothes / area for bags;

He has his own areas too - area for his "entertainment system" - i.e. PS3, LCD Tv and his latest addition to the Mac family - the MacBook Pro (light?), cupboard for his clothes, mini fridge for the balance whiskey / wine available, area under table and in cupboard and outside of room for his many many books.

We also share areas like area on top of mini fridge used to hold random items; area on shelving next to bed used to store whatever books we're reading now, soft toys, his graduation photo, football team photo and the area on top of his desk which holds our other random photos and knick knacks.

And that's all in the space of a small room; Amazingly, we've also been sharing the same single bed all this while with only a few mishaps (too private / embarrassing to share).

In the New Year - and with the Boyfriend's permission - it shall hopefully be reorganised. There is limited things one can do with such constricted space - but hopefully with some shelves, a new queen size bed and some rearranging, it will no longer look like a bachelor pad with a live-in girlfriend.

3. The friends have all been getting on with their lives just as I have. We all do attempt to keep the group gatherings going on with the Friday and occasional Saturday text messages; With the 50% chance that it ain't happening. I can't explain why we are somehow all earning more but are now more broke and cannot spend our money with wild abandon - oh wait, I do - it's called 'other commitments'; I do think that these 'other commitments' have been taking us away directly or indirectly from the matter at hand. Of course I envy the camaraderie that is still burning strongly among the boyfriend's friends - maybe we're at staggered positions so it's not happening to them yet - maybe, it never will because they are a group of guys who, according the Boyfriend, Need this sense of "brotherhood".

Will our sense of "familyhood" then disintegrate as the girls somehow stay behind with their boyfriends / husbands or just to do the necessary chores... will the other girls be so busy with their careers / other commitments that they just cannot deprive themselves of rest during the Fridays / weekends... will the boys every find girlfriends and then turn out (or not turn up) the same way.. Of course, that's just the paranoid me talking. But it's a valid concern and one that I alone cannot tackle.

I do like thinking that we're like a family - with such a diverse and varied mishmash of characters, backgrounds and other attributes; Of course, the commonality amongst the group is the fact that we all had to 'mature early' for whatever reason - whether by choice or circumstantial. I do think that the 'circumstantial' folk rely on one another to pull each other through - there's that sense of togetherness that I feel, we still, or at least I still require as I embark on various other stages in my life.

So how do we go about mending this patchwork of people? That can only be answered by the thoughts of actions of the collective group. And I do have faith in this bric-brack of personalities of whom, I stake as my friends.

4. The Boyfriend has been a pivotal anchor in my life. I do pamper him, he does take my shit, I do take his shit, he showers me with logic, a lot of advise and some lovin and then sometimes, we don't take each other's shit and we spar with words, with emotion with action or sometimes, inaction... and then, we're in love again.

I don't know about what other people think, and I know that we have our share of doubts even from loved ones, but we know, and cherish the fact, that we were made to take each other's shit.
Okay, not just that - but at the end of the day, when we're not driving each other up the wall, we drive each other in ways that we could not have accomplished by ourselves.

Sometimes, I say (unfairly so), that no one else would be able to be with him- but maybe, that's just my selfish way of saying, only I am suitable for you - only I am made for you and only I can be your life long partner.

In many ways, I do think that only he can do the same for me; Only he understands me - all of me, inside out, facets, layers, the whole shebang. And, I've never felt that way about anyone else.

I guess, if we were voices - he would be the voice of all things that people should hear; and I would be the voice of all things that people want to hear. And in many situations, you need an optimal mix of both - to soothe and spur, to win over and inspire, to tackle and to attack.

I really don't give him credit enough for how he's stuck by me through all my ranting and raving and emotional upheaval (hormonal or not) and I know he does appreciate me for how I work around him and how despite ALL, we know that it's not about plain companionship, status suitability, convenience of love and all that basic / societal need, but rather, a very deep-set belonging and enmeshing of our souls. (Note to self: I should put all this down in a card)

5. Work.
Work, work, work... has evolved in many ways... Dare I linger?
Sometimes, I wonder if I had cheated myself in life. That I put myself in this situation and not allowed myself to venture further. Yesterday, the Boyfriend said that I worked very hard to put myself in this situation where resources did not permit me to do so and that it was all self earned (and with a bit of luck, I might add). Sometimes, I wonder if I daren't step out of this comfort zone of mine? Kind of like, being the best of the worst (though, this ain't hardly the worst of course) Or like, being king of the jungle in the zoo versus being a small ranked lion in the great big wild forest - you know what I mean?

Either way, I'm glad that I have been on a path of Evolution - from Admin Assistant, to Events Coordinator, to Events & Marketing Manager. (Looks good on the resume too.) I've been extremely grateful that opportunities have presented themselves to me; That doors have been open when I find myself "stuck". And I have been very fortunate to be so 'comfortable'. To be able to grow... in a familiar environment. Initially, and even now, I suppose, I always thought of this place to be a training ground - so I can earn and learn new skills at a nice comfort level while also being able to focus on other facets in my life.

Excitingly enough, I am inspired to be able to veer onto a new path after 2010; It will require some planning, a lot of heart and some support wouldn't hurt. Enough of this half-baked cake, let's get on to a proper souffle.

I realise that I've embedded my desires for 2010 into my reflections because I guess they come hand in hand.

Overall, I am very appreciative of many things in this life that has allowed me to savour everyday with varied flavours; The bitter that enhanced the sweet; The tangy that boosted the spice; The sour that balanced the saccharine; The salty that brought out the underlying tastes...

So, out with the old, in the with the new; As the baton of time is passed on from 2009 to 2010, I shall remember everything I lovingly reflected today.

And did I mention - I'm going for my driving license?
All people on the road... be nice.. or beware.

;p

Sedentary

2009-09-01T22:20:00.000+08:00

Imagine this girl with a dream - it comes out of her head in little bubbles, float up into the air above her and form like a bubble cloud;
Pretty soon everything piles up and forms a HUGE cloud and the bubbles start to pop due to... erm pressure in the air - and all the liquid from the bubbles just wash her away -

i hope i don't end up that way..

awesome

2009-08-12T09:08:00.002+08:00

are we maturing as a couple? he asked.

I suppose we are settling into some sort of comforting routine - not in a bad way - its good to have some routine and order in life, you know? :)

Tried working out at the gym twice - so far so good - hehe
can feel the muscles aching man - yeah.

Hopefully that will fall into another routine too - and then we can achieve 5kg goal together - hehe..

i hope he's not too scared when he chances upon this - but somehow, i think he ain't a typical 'scared of routine' kindda guy.

<3<3

j

Driving down an endless road

2009-08-07T03:40:00.000+08:00

There's this feeling of peace -
a settling feeling.

I like it. :)

I think that we're getting used to each other and staying together.

The other day, we had this silly argument (when are they not silly eh) and it was almost laughable after - how we recovered.

LOL.

Other than that, I'm trying to exercise every other day - I know that I eat a lot more with him.
It's that - I will resist anything but temptation bullshit. haha..

I also have this feeling that this year will pass very quickly -
Mid-August is just around the bend - with events earmarked through the month.

This weekend will be spent trying to be patriotic to Singapore (hurhur)
There's the wedding cake decorating shop opening on Sat 8th
I think i want to attend the Clarke Quay countdown to National Day on Sat night :)
There's the movie outing on Mon 10th
There's the mother's bday lunch/dinner on Sat 15th
There's Alex's meet up with his law alumni - not that I'm really involved. ;p on Sun 16th
There's my dad and family coming to Sg on Thu - Sat 27-29th
There's the leaving come end August
There's the taking over.. come end August
There's the praying there'll be someone new...
There's the deciding of where to get the double bed for - Arcadia or Gardens...? or both..?
There's the birthday - I think I want to do Karaoke for some strange reason... or a BBQ
There's the returning of money
There's the resitting of exams.

And beyond that - there's the Sun Festival
There's the end of year that I can probably start to breathe a little bit

Maybe I should just try to breath now - a little at a time.
And you though that was a subconcious act did ya.

Bonjour Paris

2009-08-01T15:03:00.008+08:00

Bonjour Paris -

We took the Eurostar from London to Paris - its more expensive than flying but it brings you right to the heart of Paris, like you arrive in the freaking aorta of the country.

The train ride was peaceful - I actually dreamt about it in Amsterdam again, but that's a story for another time ;)

It was quite intriguing looking at English fields and the occasional herds of cows - which got me very excited - cows are so cute :) and they're always organised in colours. Why is that??

I fell asleep - and so did Lex and the next thing I knew, I woke up in Paris! The land of cheese and snotty people who don't like their national 'monument' - okay I'm kidding - not all of them are snotty, just one or two.

We lived in an area called Charonne - yes, you're supposed to sink your tongue in when you pronounce the RRRRrrrr. But whatever. I loved the balconies - the trees, the feel of the Parisian streets - but I tell you - the subway was even more hellish than London - I remember Corey said you take a degree to understand the London tube - then I guess for Paris, you'll need a freaking doctorate man...

As we settled in late afternoon, we set out for an early dinner and naturally had - escargots!

We went to this little french cafe that was packed with frenchies - so we assumed it was good - and yes, it was :) Mostly. Their starters were great - the escargots were just stuffed with coriander, a bit of mint and a chockful of butter (rrrr). Also ordered Foie Gras mmmmm... awesome.

The mains are not worth mentioning - but the desserts were fab - Lex had an Irish coffee - which had a layer of warm toffee, irish whiskey, coffee & cream. Sinful to the max. My dessert was a chocolate fondant which ended up looking like chocolate mousse - maybe that' the way the french do it (?) but still, it was good.

The first site we visited was the Notre Dame - its an actual running cathedral and no, I didn't see a creepy hunchback dude hanging on the bell while it tolled away. If you look closely at old catholic churches - you can see really strange things - I'd think they want to simply carve cherubic angels and saintly saints - which you do see - but you also get gargoyles and other disgusting looking creatures at their feet - are they demons? or are they the devils in us?? But it was amazing - our St Andrew's Cathedral can't beat this - not in a million french years.

We managed to enter the church even while there was a mass going on - we had to keep our volume down but photo-taking was allowed. I thought it strange to be a member of a church where you get masses of strangers walking around you while you are trying to reach out to God. Even more so for the priest - does he mind getting photographed while performing mass?

I figured that most of the people attending mass were probably tourists anyway - this is so commercialised. I wonder if the priest feels like he's a sell-out?

Inside the church were little conclaves as tributes to various saints - for 2Euros, you could light a candle as an offering - I didn't because I didn't think that God would need me to give an offering in that way. And besides, I feel blessed enough as it is. The most awe-inspiring and surprising thing in the church was this stained glass below - it was the most intricately symmetrical design and the intriguing thing about it was the splash of purples - an assault of various shades just screaming at you in a heavenly chorus. I think that was worth all the tip-toeing around an old church.. You have to see it for yourself.

The second site we went to was the Arc De Triomph - it apparently marks the victories of those who fought in the Napoleonic wars. It is colossal - don't be fooled by the optic illusion that I was holding it up. On the inner walls of the Arc, were names of the brave soldiers carved in block stencilled letters.

Being very touristy as it was still quite early on in the trip, we decided to pay 9 euros to walk up the Arc - they warned that it was 284 steps. We trooped up like brave soldiers - I kept my pace pretty well and boy were my legs toned after we reached the top..! There were people who had to stop halfway to catch their breath - it felt good climbing past them. hehe. I wondered if there were atheletes who made friends with the people who manned the ticket counter and persuaded them to give free entry in the name of health...?

(Doesn't it look escargot inspired?)

I made it! And they were thoughtful enough to place a bench at the top of the stairway so you have a comfy cushion to collapse onto instead of a dusty stone floor.

But the view was worth every euro and every step we had to pay/take. You got to see Paris from the top. I felt like I was on that white plastic thing in the middle of pizzas that hold it together and looking down around the pizza and its even slices - Paris was sliced up in front of me like a freaking pizza! Look at that - a slice of Paris... gosh.

And that's the big chunk of meat on the Paris Pizza - the eiffel tower. Which we never went to - we admired it from afar like a shy boy eyeing a cheerleader - knowing that its no point getting close to it because we wouldn't achieve anything. But what do I know?

The third site we visited was Montmarte - but we got lost finding it and we walked up and down and around and through streets that led us in circle before finally realising we WERE ALREADY in Montmarte. Its an hilly area - that is well known for being home to french artists and it leads to the Moulin Rouge - which we also didn't visit. ;p

We wanted to sit here and enjoy the view but the seats were all taken up, no wonder why.

Creep art found on walls.

Oh yes - when we had lunch at a cafe slightly away from Notre Dame, this friendly waitress told us where to eat around Montmarte, so we seemingly traipsed around at first but then got lost and had a frustrating time looking for it but we found it in the end, 15 mins before they opened.

So in the meantime, we had 2 pints of beer. Drank really fast coz we were hungry. The restaurant was called the Leaning Tower of Pisa, served excellent pizza and pasta - their Spaghetti Bolognaise was simple but simply delicious! Their pizza (below) was just doused with fresh egg, lots of meat and cheese and fresh onion. We were so glad we didn't give up looking for it :) They also served a welcome drink of a Sangria of sorts - I remember getting promptly drunk on the drinks and good food and had to hold to Alex while we found our way back to the tube and back to Charonne.

The last site we visited was the Palace of Versailles. Where a lot of important doctrines were signed and royal visitors welcomed by french government. We had to take an hour long sweaty train ride and pretend to be occupants of a hotel and ask the concierge for directions.

BUT IT WAS CLOSED - as it was a Monday.

Fortunately though, the gardens were opened so we wandered around the gardens where royalty once used as their playground and showed it off to guests from faraway lands (like Singapore) :)

Is this golden gate really made of gold..?

I imagined large stencils constructed for the purpose of creating this patten in the grass...

But fact - I did see how they pruned the trees and bushes and the used this 45degree slanted angular plate to help them ensure that the tree was a perfectly inverted cone shape. Ingenious tools of the trade.

The palace - closed on Mondays :/

The personal view of French Royalty...

The Royal Goblet fit for a king.. a giant king that is... :)

We walked through the gardens and it was huge - I think we only covered a third of it before we headed back. But it was good excercise - but I think I might have gotten a tad burnt from the sun.

And that concludes our Parisian trip. :)

Eurotrip!

2009-08-01T14:37:00.001+08:00

I think that a three week trip definitely deserves a good, proper post.

Something I haven't been doing in a while.

So the itinerary was:

26th June -
Landed in London via AirAsia ("transit" at KL) - 2 nights in Generator Hostel
Took Eurostar to Paris - 3 nights in Hotel Belfort
Flew to Barcelona's Girona airport via Easyjet - 3 nights in Sylvia's Guest House
Flew to Madrid via some portugal airline - 2 nights in Hostal San Martin
Flew to Porto via Ryanair - 2 nights in Hotel Residencia Pedro Antiga
Took a train to Lisboa - 2 nights in Kitsch Hotel
Flew to Amsterdam via Ryanair (i think) - 2 nights in Hortus Hotel
Flew to Bristol via Easyjet - 3 nights in Jolyn's apartment
Took a bus to London (last minute decision) - 1 night in Killiney Hotel
Flew back to Singapore via AirAsia ("transit" at KL again)
Back on 19th July

Each night's stay was between 25 - 30 euros per person;
My overall AirAsia flight was $1250
so you do the math - I estimate that I spent about $4300 in total for transport, accom & expenses.

My overall experience for the trip was somewhat harried and tiring but there were the amazing moments and there was time to relax a little and just SO much eating and at the same time so much walking. We also had to deal with maps a lot - and then realised the greatness that is of the googlemap :)

Just to give my own commentary on the airlines that I took:-

AirAsia was actually not Too bad - I suppose it wasn't that bad a decision for me since the flight was full. My complaint coming up was that they were an hour late - and they packed us into the plane when the airconditioning wasn't on so I perspired before taking a 13 hour flight - not exactly the most attractive of thoughts. But I survived.

The initial trip to KL was uber short - I fell asleep and woke up just before we landed;
At the KL LCCT (Low Cost Carrier Terminal - nicer sounding than Budget Terminal but that's where all advantages end) - I was rather harried because I had to claim baggage, go through customs and check in again. Customs took approx 35 mins, looking for the check in counter took another 10 mins, going through security and then checking in again took me another 20 mins so all in all approx 1 hr to check out and in again. KL LCCT doesn't have a transit terminal you see - hence, you have to arrange for your own transit flights. Fortunately, flying up, I had 2.5 hrs in between flights - however, when I relooked my 'travel file' and checked my fight times coming back home, I realised I only had 50 mins in between my London-KL flight and my KL-Singapore flight. I couldn't NOT make it to Singapore because I had to work the next day!! When I went to the sales counter in the LCCT, there was such a long snaky queue, I ended up making a mental note to change flights when I got to an internet access during my trip.

Ryanair - an Irish budget airline, complete with Irish voiceover welcoming you aboard the flight and a hilarious announcement that plays when you land, with trumpets and the same irish voice informing you that you have landed on time.

"DA DA DA DA! You have landed on time!
Ryanair arrives on time on 97% of all flights. Thank you..."

It didn't play the second time we took the flight however, we were 5 mins late. :) amusing.

I can't comment on the service but the checking in and all that seem quite smooth; We didn't order anything during the flight, being the cheapo tourists that we are. I can't recall if the landings were smooth or.. but I think it was relatively comfortable. I found out later that Ryanair had a notorious reputation for being unreliable and for having bad service. I suppose, in this downturn, they are trying to redeem themselves...

But remember this - DO NOT TAKE EASYJET. I repeat - DO NOT take Easyjet - it doesn't make your life Easy at all - at fucking all.

If they had an announcement it would be this:

"DA DA DA DA! Easyjet is late again, this is due to the fact that we are a disorganised bunch with absolutely no consideration for our customer's time schedule and feelings as well. Thank you for taking Easyjet, you suckers!!"

And it was true on both occasions - the queues at the airport - I rmb the incredibly snaking queue at Paris's airport going to Girona, insanely LONG and we had to battle queue cutters, confusing turns, everchanging queue lines and staff that were so stressed up themselves. 1 over hour we queued - and the flight was still late! and this caused us to RUSH like mad to our Barcelona accomodation and Lex got pickpocketed in the process. So it was a bad chain reaction...

In Amsterdam going back to Bristol, we realised that the flight was LATE by 1 over hour again - we spent an hour watching SATC at a random bench before sitting anxiously at the departure gates praying the screen will display the departing gate number. And it came another half hour later! Incredulous!

Fortunately, we ate some Beef Brisket Noodles and Roast Duck at a great cantonese restaurant "Mayflower" before we headed to Jolyn's apartment. So that soothed our furrowed brows and stomachs. Hehe.

LONDON:

London was where it all started and ended for me - Landed in Stansted airport at midnight (my AirAsia flight was a lil early even though it took off late), getting to see Lex in 3D again, after so longgggg.... I felt giddy - and then I felt COLD - it was fucking freezing for ME! and I was only decked in a thin long sleeve sweater, short denim skirt and black leggings. We took the bus and arrived at Victoria Station after 40 mins. From there we took a short cab ride to Generator Hostel. We had to go via a dinghy cobblestoned alley (every damn street is cobblestoned la) - made me think of Jack the Ripper - and for a moment I feared his ghost finding me and thinking I was some Asian whore (on a 50% discount) and cut me up, there. eew.

The hostel rooms looked like funky prisons with large block lettering on the doors - we were in room 308. It was small and squarish - but it had a mirror with a small table, a place to hang coats/jackets, a small sink and a twin bunk bed. Lex shifted the top mattress down to the floor so that it would be less claustrophobic for us to share the bed. He was also sweet enough to da pao Beef Brisket noodles and Roasted Duck (leftovers from his dinner with Corey 5 hrs before) but cold food never tasted so good :) The bathrooms were common baths but were separated into male and female bathrooms. It felt very public and I had to deal with the fact that there were not hooks / small shelf in the bath cubicle for me to put my toiletries on or hang my towel & clothing. I had to grimace and place my toiletries on the very public floor.

We awoke very early the next day - had an 'English Breakfast' - the actual meal, not the tea, at an Italian eatery (surprise surprise). But it was good fuel for the day as we bought a day pass for the tube and ventured to Hyde Park -

Hyde park was acres of greenery, flowers, space for people to relax, play soccer and they had a lake called Serpentine and a funky eater next to it by the same name. But I only used the toilet there, we didn't have a chance to sit and eat/drink. Suddenly had to crap when we were taking photos under this odd big tree which had its leaves and branches falling over to form a cave like space - it was damn cool - and very Enid Blyton :)

After that we walked to Knightsbridge (only one tube stop away apparently) - and visited the kingdom of Dodi Al-fayed - Harrod's. Walking through the branded clothes, sophisticated games and toys and then the fabulous food hall (freshly shucked oysters, foie gras terrine, fresh pate for your immediate enjoyment accompanied by champagne - but I didn't have any of those, I just dropped my jaw at the amazing presentation of the produce).

We then 5 stops away to Chinatown (??) in Bayswater and had a pint of John Smiths before meeting Corey. We ate at Gold Mine - another awesome Cantonese Restaurant and had Roasted Duck, Roasted Pork, Hot & Sour Soup, Kailan and plain rice. Amazing..

Lex got restless during lunch because it was about the time when he would be receiving his final year results through his email. After lunch, we crossed over to an internet cafe on the other side of the street. There was an Indian aunty running the shop which was like a mini mart in the front half and an internet shop at the back. She was a joke - kept interjecting with serious warnings about how we couldn't drink in the shop, coz we were carrying a btl of Lemon Tea, how we shouldn't bang the computers because Alex threw an airpunch with a loud resounding YES when he got his results - even when we told her he didn't hit the computer, she insisted that "he was going to". Who put her there?? God..

But hey, at least Lex was happy - and Corey was genuinely happy to be able to share his joy and relief :) We had another celebratory pint of John Smiths. Cheers!

We went back to rest in hostel for the rest of the afternoon and then got ready to go for a musical - WICKED at Victoria Station. The musical was kindda wicked - it was an alternate tale to the Wizard of Oz - a twisted version where the Wicked Witch of the West was actually good, the Wizard of Oz is actually bad and the Good Witch of the East was a bimbo. It was more entertaining and funny than anything else - the songs were not very classic but there were some good ones.. I thought the acting was great - especially the bimbo witch.. :) she was hilarious.

That concluded the best bits of London and the beginning of my trip :)

More coming up!!

xoxo miss j

comfort

2009-07-31T05:32:00.000+08:00

2009

2009-07-28T03:08:00.000+08:00

I'm confused by the system in UNISim, somehow, I'm being 'made' to resit the papers that I withdrew/failed from last semester.

My only way out now is to (instead of groveling and shifting my feet around) to self study and retake the fucking exam papers.

And now, movements are taking place in the office - Not only do I have to take on new responsibilities, I worry about who will take on my "old responsibilities".

No doubt I will want to be implementing new changes to the way things work in the office - I hope they work.. *cross fings*

My mind is constantly swiveling with ideas and things I want to do - my brain is just surging with things I need to do -
Little reminders here, little reminders there...

Will I make it through the next half of this year?

2009 - I won't forget you.

introducing Tumble mimo

2009-07-23T01:25:00.001+08:00

Introducing Tumble Mimo!!

2009-06-25T04:13:00.002+08:00

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

heh. couldn't resist.

Surprisingly I managed to squeeze most things into my small size luggage.

Will only be carrying essentials and some light stuff with me as hand carry.

I'm so paranoid - that something could go wrong - thinking of how to hide my money so i won't get pick pocketed, thinking of how to hide money so that when i get robbed, i technically won't be cleaned out, thinking of how to dress so that I look nice but don't look like I should be targeted for a robbery. And then there's the plane.. woah my god.

I'll let you know how Air Asia went - let's see if my $1.1 was worth it mannnn

wokay - its really late now. i should get some rest... gdnite world.

2009-06-18T02:46:00.002+08:00

been caught in a limbo for too long.

half a year to be exact

the kind where you're too tired to do something constructive yet too restless to sleep.

Hopefully Europe will have me rewound.

I was actually hoping for a change of scenery, I thought that it would do me good.

But seeing as the situation is so jia lat. I'll have to settle for Singapore.

I'm too young to be jaded.

Or on the other hand, maybe I'm just not ready to settle into adulthood

(you're 3 years too late! - I know I know I know)

Duty beckons and conscienceness weighs down on me.

I have to do something with my life. Its the only moral / ethical thing to do.

If you had no worldly obligations or limitations, what would you want to be?

I would want to be a model / actress / singer because then I would be appreciated for my beauty, talent and personality - which will eventually turn into power that I will wield for the good of mankind.

omg- I just realised that's such a beauty queen answer.

but I mean it.

2009-06-18T02:33:00.002+08:00

i miss him.

i miss us.

tired of us being apart.

lie low

2009-06-08T01:24:00.002+08:00

I want to lie low for a bit - to concentrate on myself for a bit.

Because I have to. Because I need to.

This year has not been my best - but heck, let's not blame it on the year; I've not been at my best.

But at least bits of that still shine through now and then. So all is really not lost.

I screwed up my semester; I've been a blank at work, dragging my feet to work (or rather to the cab that I take to work because I just cannot be bothered to wake up any earlier for it). I've not been able to give extra support to the boyfriend and all for what.. all for nought; all for half fucked attempts which come to zilch; well almost.

At least, I'm rethinking myself now and not gone over the edge; Thinking of the chinese saying where you pull back a horse just in time before they gallop over the edge of a cliff.

Yeah, I was that horse.

But I was pulled back by... my boyfriend, my body's instinctive reflex to survive, my spirit refusing to die out and my conscience of responsibility.

Story of my life..

I guess I'm not going to say that I never have regrets anymore because I really did regret not studying hard enough for my exam; not thinking ahead for work and not looking out for my loved one. But I've gone past that and decided to say that I won't let my regrets get the better of me anymore - key word being 'anymore'.

The first half of the year is coming to an end ; I told myself and almost everybody else that my first half of the year was literally chock-a-block filled up and if there were to be any other events / things, it would have to be in the 2nd half of the year.

I am looking forward to it - I see... us spending more time together (a lot a lot a lot more..) ; I see progress in work; I see myself being more diligent in school and with money;

I see... Joline coming back.

On another note; I'm just really happy everything went well for Ali on her special day;

A lot things that were supposed to happen may not have happened but one can only do what they set out to do, hope for the best and watch everything fall into place.

Lex says that he will hire me as the wedding planner for our wedding;

I still find that very hilarious - I will charge extra just because - but I'm still undecided about the entire comb of shark's fin in the shark's fin soup -

the wedding gown from Paris though - I think I will need 3 fittings for it at least...

wahahaha

2009-05-31T23:10:00.001+08:00

i'm guessing its when i tried keeping spirits up when bubbles were burst.

but now, there are no more bubbles left to be burst.

i just - want to run away.

2009-05-31T23:08:00.001+08:00

I feel in all essence of the word - tragic.

just. tragic.

god

2009-05-20T00:04:00.001+08:00

static . space. shams. swayed.

how can i make you see how i feel?

how can i make you feel how i feel?

how can i understand how I feel.

god...

found ic and id

2009-05-17T18:45:00.002+08:00

I'm very unmotivated right now -

but I found my IC and my Student ID - just in time for my exam... so I guess

All is not lost...

I just want to abandon all ambition and just be a bum.. just because.

okay, back to finance.

2009-05-13T03:07:00.002+08:00

i miss being able to write what I feel -

I used to be write depressing melancholy pieces that took on a cloak of positive pretense.

Now, I'm just all fuddled, muddled, duddled.

and swuddled. lullddled. kruddled.

i.e. nonsensical.

ah hambug

I guess I've really degenerated now. have i.

Its like trying to reach someone and getting annoyed at why you can't reach them and then realising its because they don't exist anymore. Or they've changed numbers and just don't want to talk to you.

*ramble* *ramble* *ramble*

2009-05-13T03:02:00.002+08:00

Its hard to sum up nothingness.

Because the sum of nothing is, just that - nothing at all.

On a pragmatic point of view - I have a few things on my mind:

- My finance exam on May 19th

- The sales calls I have to make ... sooner or later

- Alicia's wedding

- 5 kg

- messy room

- phootshoot

- my attitude towards life

I just feel like running away again, from all this shit.

What shit you ask me?

The kind where you're stuck between wanting to go where you could have gone and being unable to go back to where you were left behind.

I don't know what I'm talking about - nvm goodnight world.

goodnight.

2009-05-13T02:51:00.001+08:00

I honestly think - I have

degenerated.

and that my life is just whizzing me by.

it's all the internet's fault.

*pout*

YOU CANNOT QUIT ME SO QUICKLY

2009-05-10T22:22:00.001+08:00

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you love

The space between
The tears we cry...
Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between...
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be

The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again
Will I hold

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like the devil in the church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The space between
Where you smile and hide
Is where you’ll find me if I get to go

The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I’ll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room

The space between
our wicked lies is
Where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Right out of here
Love is all we need dear

The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding
Waiting for you

The space between
In your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time

The space between

pink is my favourite colour

2009-05-06T02:17:00.001+08:00

this is so cute - got it from the pinkdot website

pinkdot is an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) event where it is a declaration of love...

find out more here: http://pinkdotsg.blogspot.com/

sex education

2009-05-06T01:31:00.003+08:00

We are in a dangerously exciting age - an age where a group of women can oust out another bunch of women and then get voted out again by another 2000 women and men who stand up and speak up.

It is exciting because people are seemingly coming together for a cause - a cause for diversity and fairness.

It is dangerous because of the fact that we are in an age of diversity - where diversity demands to be the rule of the day. The problem with that is that many people don't really understand diversity and what else it will demand from them. In that sense, how then can one be fair to all?

Accepting people with other beliefs and practices may - and its a big may- may even result in one having to compromise on their own beliefs and practices eventually.

I think its funny that I know someone who attended the meeting to vote out the new guards but will also click her tongue in disapproval once she reads TODAY's article about how the group, with the old guard, had their sex education programme teaching children that

anal sex can be done in a safe and comfortable way with the use of condoms, and how homosexuality is natural.

My question is - what then?

How should sex education be presented to such a diverse group of up and coming youths who are confused and more importantly, curious? How can this be done in a fair way?

Do we split the groups up based on what the parents / religious leaders want them to hear?

"No to Anal" group this way, "Yes to Anal" group, you guys go to the back?

"Take your chastity vows here", "don't be a prude, sex is beautiful, take your condoms here"?

"life is precious - so keep the baby if you screw up" right this way to the single mom's forum, and the "life is precious - so get rid of the baby so you won't screw up your life and your potential baby's" come this way here to the stirrups?

Where does the filtering end..?

On the other extreme - sex education can be - well simply educational.

By avoiding all the moral bits and explaining the bare concrete facts -

A basic guide could cover the following:

1. Knowing Your Body-

So they understand that you don't fuck a girl in her pee hole - and that you can't have a baby by swapping saliva.

2. Understanding Sex-

So that they know its the most natural thing in the world -that its a beautiful process that creates beautiful children like themselves - and that they will get horny sooner or later...

3. The Dangers of Sex-

STDs, babies, the after-sex cuddle conflict. Enough said.

4. How to protect yourself-

Condoms... Contraception... seeing a Gynea.. family-planning clinics ... or just by saying "No.. I got headache la..".

5. Where do we go from here... -

This would be where they can try to cover how one might approach the moral aspects of sex and responsibility - they could encourage kids to speak with their parents, speak with a counsellor or call a hotline if they want any clarification (factual clarification of course). Just don't call the other kind of hot line...

Because ultimately, we cannot tell people what to do - nonetheless, kids - they will just do it anyway. So we have to treat them like adults, tell them as it is, give them knowledge and tools to be able to start thinking for themselves.

Kids are like a stark white canvas who get tainted by what goes on around them. Splashes of the environment, their parent's behaviour, peer talk and random incidents colour them. Having said that, if you leave a kid to think about it - they may or may not decide that sex is sacred -they may or may not decide that they are gay, they may or may not decide that 'what's the big deal? I'm more interested in books (hur2) - but the point is that they can THINK about it now, armed with correct facts. And not jump into things blindly, naively, excitedly or sometimes cynically.

I actually know a guy who is saving himself for marriage - he told me that it just seemed like the natural thing to do - this is a guy who hangs out with other guys who do not exude the same beliefs whatsoever, in fact they exude the opposite belief where life is short, so erm, enjoy yourself. I also know many people who have similarly, obviously gone beyond that stage and hence, can't achieve that 'noble' act anymore

So who are we to judge our kids? Let them know what it is and let them decide what it is to them?

I'd say, that's a fair opportunity.

shrink

2009-05-03T23:45:00.003+08:00

why is the only running away I do... from reality?

what happened to truth hurting but it is the only thing that well, holds true?

why can't i just grit my teeth and see through it all?

i wish i had a shrink.

or just someone to talk to.

2009-05-03T23:43:00.001+08:00

bare.ly. there.

HK

2009-04-28T23:35:00.002+08:00

So Hong Kong was good and I mean, it was delightfully rapturously enticingly good. yeah.

quite good it was.

The city is BUSTLING and ripping apart at the seams with people, especially kwai los' but that's whats happening about it. They have beautiful bars, restaurants, buildings and at least one restaurant employ cute bartenders who ask you whether you're over 18 yet. hehehe...

The boutique hotel I stayed in was cosy and pretty - a lot of attention to detail yes.

I will put up pictures in a bit and maybe it will be easier to tell you my HK story. heh

lets go away for a weekend trip to Hong Kong boys and girls!

when all's been said and done

2009-04-27T23:29:00.002+08:00

When all's been said and done.

What's really been said?

What's really been done?

philosophical physics

2009-04-23T01:31:00.002+08:00

Philosophical Physics:

Newton's Law of Motion

1. Every body perseveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed.

following the norm

2. The change of momentum of a body is proportional to the impulse impressed on the body, and happens along the straight line on which that impulse is impressed.

motivation

3. For a force there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.

emotions

If I die tomorrow

2009-04-22T13:56:00.001+08:00

The HK contact was so mean! When I told him I'm taking Jetstar - he replied to say - "Good Luck on Jetstar Scarelines"..

grr..

If I die tomorrow - will this post live on forever..?

look for the post where I talked about the lady hostage who was killed in India..

I placed a nice quote there - let that be my epitaph.

<3 j

revelations

2009-04-22T03:38:00.002+08:00

Excellent, so I can post to my blog from work now because I found the actual email address to my post - originally thought it was something else.

We'll see.

****

warning - rambling ahead -

(only people who care will read it - and realise that this is how my brain works)

I had a few revelations in the bath earlier, I always have revelations in the bath to be honest.

Its a very spiritual, cleansing of the body and mind - reflecting about the days ins and outs, recollecting and the occasional kicking myself for thinking of a comeback that was well, too late because it wasn't thought of when needed - yeah. I always think of good comebacks to conversations when I'm in the bath. I guess, this proves I'm not a bad conversationalist and that I am funny - you just need to wait a bit or, talk to me when I'm in the bath.

Back to my revelations - which I am actually putting off writing because:-

1. Who likes to have their insecurities revealed?

2. I always feel guilty when I talk about myself too much - but this is my blog what (and then I justify it...)

3. Okay, this was a sneaky way of putting it off.

and now that I've lingered too long away from it, it will seem so silly now because I've created too much suspense...

Well -

Revelation #1: I'm an escape artist - an escapist - what have you - I've taken to escaping very well

Revelation #2: I can't remember what it was - fuck. But. I will elaborate on #1 and then let's see if #2 comes back to mind.

So in relation with being an escape artist - one of my valued tools is having a selective memory - say - what I was supposed to say again? Oh. Right.

Selective memory - I swear, I can mentally block things from my mind - either intentionally or unintentionally - I've mentioned before that this was a way to move on for me -

Similar to how, when you want to do something or be something, if you pretend to be able to do it long enough, you will soon find yourself actually having the ability eventually - unless someone blows your cover, which means that you didn't pretend hard enough.

For me, one of things I pretend to have is confidence -

the unfortunate thing for my method of faking till you have it is that... sometimes you betray yourself-

You know that you aren't the real deal and so - it eats you from inside until you can't take it anymore. Its not as dramatic as it sounds - but I guess, I just can't care about being social.

Yes the attractions lies in being able to talk to anyone and going to places and always being able to find a familiar face. But I seriously, ultimately, can't give 2 flying fucks.

But in life, you have to - make the connections and all that.

I find it easier to do this for work - because I have to - but out of the required mode, I just fail terrible. I take an awful long time to warm up but I'm sure friends can attest to me as a friend who will try her best to be there for you.

Okay, back to escape artist -

The other thing I realised today is that I enjoy work more than I enjoy studying - I mean, of course, there are conditions required - that I am actually doing constructive work and that I am given opportunity and time to do so.

I get depressed whenever my boss is not around/contactable - I feel like I have no role model or motivation - but thankfully, she's been around of late and implemented this Monday Marketing Meeting where we have 1 - 2 hrs of being able to discuss events and opportunities with her. The reason why I love interacting with her is because she gives credit where credit is due and I know that she truly values me - she gives me the stick when I give her shit but she also knows how to reward when I've done a good job. I like to think of the upcoming HK trip as a small reward in itself ;) I'm only mentioning it now - hate to play it up in case I jinx it.

Ah yes, I remember revelation #2 now - its sad really - almost as sad as revelation #1 -

and it is - that my life revolves around guilt - around feeling guilty and thinking about how other people deal with guilt.

The most recent occurrence was yesterday when I didn't go swimming - it was really silly.

My aunt told me that she wasn't keen because she's damn paranoid that if she doesn't go with me, the club won't let me in (and what... bar me for life? put my picture up next to Mas Selamat with "No Enter" underneath in red text?)

I was damn sian and just shuffled past her to the bathroom to wash up - and then shuffled past her again to my bedroom to lock myself up and consider jogging alone. She knocked on the door very timidly and realising the power of guilt I had over her, I ignored her quiet knocks until she called out for me in a strained voice - and I just shouted 'what..?'. I didn't realise how hugely she was persuaded until she said, "I'll give you the locker key.." (the key to the swimming pool locker). Without even thinking, I said, "Its okay, I dont' want to go anymore..." and I fed her guilt like crazy - the feeling of 'feeling bad' and then, I was enveloped by the feeling of 'feeling bad' too. and I hated myself.

The other occurrence was on Saturday night - it wasn't the same kind of situation at all - it was an argument between lex and I - about how I was being a depressed twit and he had to suck it up even though he was equally depressed, plus he had a lot of work to do.

I was unusually less argumentative and he said something along the lines of "you keep quiet coz you know you are in the wrong and you feel guilty" and I... kept quiet and just kept apologising. Apologise for what? I didn't know myself until I thought of a comeback (yes, in the bath) now the comeback was thought off only a few days later - but it was because I continued being in slightly depressed-self-destructive mode but on like a mild level - to elaborate, I was "okay" and proceeded to wiki-spree and finish the entire season of Belle de jour on his megavideo account and slept late, thought of him before finally being able to dose off.

This only happens when he's away -

so my comeback - though not really meant to be an in your face comeback - more like a gentle, vulnerable reply is -

that yes, I am guilty - I feel guilty because

a) yes, I miss you like ker-ay-zee

b) and I feel guilty for moping because I know I shouldn't be feeling this way (ideally) and I shouldn't have dissed your "spiel" of positive talk - I should be rejoicing in your positivy

but sadly, last of all

c) I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't stand being alone - and I felt that it was not fair to have you deal with it either. and this is actually a separate reason from missing him - its a separate issue of just having to deal with being by myself

So that was a part of the reason.. and I couldn't tell anyone - because everyone has their own shit - and I can therefore only turn to him but then, at the same time I couldn't, also because I hadn't expressed the thought in my head yet.

So that was it - that was all that was playing on my mind in the background like a subliminal message but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Sometimes, I think my mind is like a warbled speaker - all the thoughts come out blurry and undistinguishable - but I sort of get the message but need some time to process it through.. a translator of sorts - the translator being time...

to put a happy end to this - I'm snapping out of the mild-depressive-destructive state now - will go to sleep also because I have a headache and - wear a nice dress tomorrow because I have a meeting with boss and potential client *cross fings*!

and get a mani pedi so I will have perfect nails for HK - haha silly I know. but why have ugly chipped nails to get you down when you're in a foreign land?

gdnite world.

test post

2009-04-22T03:37:00.001+08:00

test post via email - if this works - then it means, yay, i can post from work now..!

no more hidden thoughts and mullings of the mind...

Importing contacts has never been easier.
Bring your friends over to Yahoo! Mail today!

patience is a virtue

2009-04-20T20:24:00.002+08:00

Got a nice compliment today from a client - she's quite 'scary' like on the phone and physically coz she's bargains you down like mad, wants everything her way, my mgr said she looks like a man and she's built like one - very stout-ish.

And I've been doing whatever I can for her and all that...

Today she complimented me for being 'patient' and that she's really impressed with me especially since I'm a young person.

Well, I'm not getting any younger man..

and she should see how impatient I can get.

Yes I'm wondering why I reserve most of my patience for clients.

everything's relative.

bah.

i didn't swim today

and i'm becoming very random.

bur

patience is a virtue

listened out

2009-03-21T16:11:00.003+08:00

This is N.E.R.D's "You Know What"

The two CDs I've listened to the most are Jamie Cullum's "Twenty Something" and N.E.R.D.'s "Fly or Die". Both of them are irreperably scratched and listened out. Thankfuly we now have iTunes in this digital age. However, the magic of listening to CDs during those years were that one was less selective of how they were listening to music. An album is an art in itself, the arrangement of tracks, the selection of songs and the entirety of the album are now... sadly dissolving in time. Now people search up tracks and listen to them independently and create their own unique mix of personal mish mash.

But fortunately, from 2003 onwards (Polytechnic / start of Coriander days), I had the company of Jamie and N.E.R.D. to act as the soundtrack of my life in its turnarounds.

Funnily I note that some common traits of Jamie and N.E.R.D are:

- both their albums was about coming of age in different ways (Jamie was well about twenty something ; N.E.R.D was more about adolescents)
- both were different sounds, Jamie was remixing Jazz, funking it up a notch, N.E.R.D are well, a sound in their own right.
- both of them were fantastic albums

Also, performance wise, they're both crazy and engage the audience.

When I had the fortune of joining Trisha for a Jamie Cullum concert a few yrs back, he was jumping off the piano and even fell in his attempt. Some might say its disrespect for the instrument but it was his way of saying that the musician's take control and of course he had his own way of engaging the audience, acting like a choir master, instructing each third of the audience to sing different notes and then made everyone sing their notes together in thrilling harmony and in accompaniment to his song.

And then last night, I had the amazing opportunity to catch N.E.R.D after 6 freaking years...
N.E.R.D never fails to impress. After I was enthralled by their album back then and then being a very underground fan only found out later when I saw Pharrell in Britney's "Slave 4U", that N.E.R.D had produced so many many hits.

I'll let the following article explain it better:

Heard that absurdly catchy, slyly raunchy pop song on the radio recently? You know, the one about the milkshake that's better than yours?

Or about being a "slave 4 U"? The song about getting so hot you want to take your clothes off? Or perhaps the one that promises to have you naked by the end?

You're probably listening to a song by Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo, the US music producers collectively known as the Neptunes.

I say "probably" because a survey in August last year found the Neptunes produced almost 20 per cent of songs played on British radio. A similar survey in the US had them at 43 per cent.

It's not unusual for them to have five hits a week in the Billboard Top 100 charts, and they have to stagger the release of their singles. "Otherwise," Williams modestly told The New York Times, "the airwaves could be in gridlock."

Williams's and Hugo's stuttering digital syncopations don't just get airplay - they've changed the sound of pop.

What's more, they effortlessly straddle genres - black hip-hop and white rock, edgy R&B and mainstream Video Hits fodder.

When the Neptunes were named Producers of the Year at the 2004 Grammy Awards, eight songs were cited in the nomination.

But how long can their reign last? A year ago, Hugo and Williams were just two successful studio boffins. Now they're teetering on the edge of over-exposure.

Williams pops up everywhere - award ceremonies, in glossy magazine spreads and on other people's albums. He attracts crowds of screaming groupies and tours in a bus with an enormous picture of himself on the side.

Even Hugo, a retiring husband and father, is recognised in the streets of Europe.

Williams and Hugo grew up in suburban Virginia Beach, a comfortable mixed-race city in the southern US state of Virginia.

Now both 30, they met when they were 12 at a summer camp for musicians. Williams was a drummer; Hugo played tenor saxophone.

"Have you seen that movie School of Rock? Hugo recalled recently. "That was us, except we played jazz standards."

In 1992, producer Teddy Riley, who'd revolutionised R&B with his hard-edged "new jack swing" sound, spotted a band called the Neptunes in a talent show at a high school.

Conveniently, Riley's studio was next to the school. Williams and Hugo soon had a record deal.

While still in school, they wrote the hit Rump Shaker for Riley's band Wreckx-n-Effect, and later produced tracks for another group, BlackStreet.

Striking out on their own in the late '90s, they unleashed rapper Noreaga's SuperThug onto an unsuspecting public.

Hip-hop in 1998 meant booming bass, heavy kick-drums and instrumental samples. The Neptunes' sound, however, was driven by pockets of dead silence interspersed with jolting, mechanical drum loops, and sometimes no bass. "We do skeleton songs," says Williams.

Williams usually writes lyrics and sketches a soaring hook over a few chords. He sends it to Hugo, who fills the spaces between beats with little synthesised bleeps, keyboard chord progressions and heavy-breathing sound effects reminiscent of prank phone calls.

The effect is crisp and anodyne yet slightly askew - a detuned note here, a slightly off-beat accent there.

For Esquire magazine's Neil Strauss, it's "not the messy kitchen sink of postmodernism but the sparkling, clean chrome kitchen of hip-hop futurism".

And it produced hits - first in a trickle, then a flood. Hip-hop came first, like Got Your Money by Ol' Dirty Bastard (featuring Kelis of Milkshake fame), Nelly's Hot in Herre, Shake Ya Ass by Mystikal, Jay-Z's Give It To Me (I Just Wanna Love You) and Beautiful by Snoop Dogg.

The Neptunes also worked their magic on pop and rock tracks like Britney Spears's Boys and I'm A Slave 4 U, No Doubt's Hella Good and Pharrell's solo effort Frontin'.

By the time they remixed the Rolling Stones's Sympathy for the Devil, the Neptunes could do no wrong. They started their own record label, Star Trak, and are rumoured to command $US150,000 a song.

Along with school friend Shay Haley, Hugo and Williams also started a genre-bending rock band, NERD.

It stands for Nobody Ever Really Dies, but the Neptunes are often championed as proponents of "New Geek Chic" - witty and articulate black nerds eschewing hip-hop stereotypes for science fiction and rock'n'roll.

Vibe magazine dubbed them "Mad Scientists", along with fellow producers and Virginia Beach natives Missy Elliott and Timbaland.

And a 2003 cover story in hip-hop magazine The Source painted Williams as Captain Kirk to Hugo's methodical Spock.

Hugo is uneasy with the Spock tag. "I wouldn't say I'm as rigid as Spock," he said last year. "I'm a musician, and for that, you need feel."

Williams explains the difference between the two outfits as "Neptunes is what we do and NERD is what we are".

and throughout the years, their reign still holds strong and their new album Seeing Sounds is still amazing. How he gets releases catchy hooks is really an art form.

So yes, No One Every Really Dies.

sade meets neptunes

2009-03-18T01:44:00.003+08:00

Today was another surprisingly peaceful day.

I managed to leave work on time and was only late for class by 10 mins.
Though the finance lecturer sounded like he was speaking in a foreign tongue for the first 20 mins, but soon enough (after a part of brain thawed and reworked its frequency) I managed to recall the meaning of terms like equity, ROI, ratios, what r stood for, net working capital... and the works.

As a bonus, my lecturer, who I find very endearingly sincere in sharing his knowledge, made an analogy about obstacles. It was in line with his sideline info on how accounting practices were going through a major revamp but the revamp has recently been scrapped because part of the revamp caused the economic crisis. He expressed shame in their decision, going on to say how they shouldn't regress when faced with an obstacle but instead, use the obstacle in front of them to progress to the next level.

I was pleasantly surprised with the sudden philosophical anecdote.

The bus ride back home was uneventful but very comfortable even though I had to stand for most part of the journey.
Strangely, the area where I was standing was very dim because the lights in that area were out. The dim and cold atmosphere really made me feel really relaxed and I had the company of Jamie Cullum's boyish crooning to add on to the atmosphere.

It felt really surreal and I started thinking about how much time I had been spending by myself.

For the longest time, it seemed as if Alex only belonged behind a mac screen and was never transporting himself to me.
And I think a part of me having had to be contented with this long distance arrangement was well, contented but at the same time yearning for that person that I feel every damn connection with except the physical one.

But that will all change next Wed. and I can't wait... I can't fucking wait...

To further improve my day, I also trimmed my fringe and painted my finger nails AND toe nails. randomly plucked two btls of nailpolish from my stash and ended up having blue toes and rusty red nails. Kindda apt since I will be at the American Club for an event on Thursday. Hehe..

ALSO ALSO. I downloaded many many many songs today - mainly N.E.R.D., Neptune, Pharrell, Kelis and whatever I linked to from my searches. Yes, it is in keeping with the N.E.R.D concert I will be attending this Friday at 11.30pm!
I'm not a concert person, but I decided to treat myself, because, why not?

Sidenote: the next concert I would love to attend is Jamie Cullum. I wanna see if he jumps off the piano again or makes his audience sing a spontaneous harmony.

Back to main entry..
In my downloads, I chanced upon a GEM! A damn GEM I tell you -
Its! Close to a cover, definitely reconstructed... Its a remixed song!
Neptune remixed Sade's classic "By Your Side", upping the sexy tones and grooviness.
Its also got a super sexy video that was well, filmed for some other production but has the song as an apt accompaniment.

enjoy..

addiction

2009-03-17T03:08:00.003+08:00

After time had kindly chosen to pace itself for me today. I abused it.

But before that, let's talk about the good stuff.

Everything was strangely relaxing today.

Maybe it was due to the unusual peaceful quiet in the office - I managed to leave earlier than usual.

Maybe it was the long corridor that takes you from the North East Line to the North South Line that was unusually organised as there are now yellow lines demarcating lanes in which most people tended to stick to.

And then I entered an MRT cabin that was spacious because it was the kind that had no seats and lots of railings and overhead handles. I actually had space to whip out my "Julie & Julia" book and engulfed it while time took, well, its own sweet time to take me to Clementi.

And then the bus, came immediately and though there was the usual throng of adult workers who transform into adult students as soon as it hits 7pm, I managed to somehow get a seat in the upper deck!

Oh wait, before that, a guy coolly let me go up first and smiled my thank you because he had music blasting in his ears.

And the weather, the entire day was cooling - not the sleepy-oh-gawd-i-should-be-in-bed kind but the sprightly-i'm-so-glad-i'm-out-in-this-weather kind.

So this was my Marvellous Monday. :)

but then I kinda abused it because I OD-ed on the youtubing- googling-wikipedia-ing and all because I watched "America's Next Top Model" on TV. I catch a media bug super easily and it gives me a heady voracious insatiable hunger that doesn't make sense.

Well anyway, I managed to close a window and retract from the laptop, wash my face, brush my teeth and message the boyfriend goodnight.

and now, I shall end my lovely Monday with some lovely sleep.

Goodnight world.

slow

2009-03-16T10:51:00.002+08:00

time seems to passing by phenomenally slow for me .. its very strange.
I know it sounds a tad pessimistic but I think its the calm before the storm.

Will be having night class for the next three days straight. I can only hope I don't end up cranky/dead at the end of this week.

I am not geared up for the weeks ahead and neither am I feigning anything in hope that my body will be duped into being ready.
I just want to take it easy and pull through. and somehow manage to at the same time, clear the mess of shopping bags and whatnot that is piling up between my clothesrack and dressing table.

Maybe its a good thing that my mind is a slight blank and that time seems to be kindly giving me some extra minutes. Let's see how this thing blows baby.

yee har.

a beautiful day

2009-03-15T02:59:00.002+08:00

I'm going to do a bit of narrative here.. because its been a great start to the weekend and I managed to squeeze in a lot of self pampering :)

It all started yesterday when I got home early for a Friday after dinner with Angela- chatted with the boyfriend and then promptly fell asleep without showering. However, I woke up in the middle of the night and sleepily set the alarm an hour earlier so I could shower in the morning and maybe do a facial mask as well.

Surprisingly, I did manage to roll off my bed and shower thoroughly and luxuriously. That felt really good - then I did my face mask routine which comprises of the Biore black peach pore pack and a peel off "Himalayan" mask (purchased from Watsons). Turned on the a/c on low so that the mask and pore pack could dry properly and not be half-fucked from the humidity. Lying with my face covered in gunk, propped up on my fluffy pillow and my body feeling nicely scrubbed. It was heavenly - and I promptly fell asleep again, but not before setting off an alarm to go off 15 mins, 30 mins and then 45 mins later.

After the final alarm, I reluctantly awoke and with my handy dandy mirror that I keep at my bedside, I peeled off the pore pack first, marvelled at the disgusting blackheads that now populated the now hardened strip, and then proceeded to peel, no, tear off the very very very dried and tightly adhered layer of skin-coloured-dried-paint-texture-like mask off my face, without trying to frown so it wouldn't create temporary wrinkles.

The mask helps to weed out blackheads, tiny hairs as well as tighten my pores. It also helped to make me fully awake as all the nerves on my face screamed as I painstakingly tore off the stubborn mask. When I was done, my face was perfect and my eyes watering.

In preparation for my day out, I threw on (after some deliberation) my newly purchased shirt dress (got it for $13 yesterday at This Fashion), my faded three-quarts (for decency because I was going to meet a client first thing) and slightly mismatched floral wedges (because I was running slightly late). Laid back and comfy :)

The meeting at the Jongs went well. Mrs Jong is always so motherly and funny. She also commented that I lost weight - which is factually highly contrary to reality - but I graciously thanked her for the compliment and then made an ungracious giggle.

I did a lot of walking after that - and boy, the sun was full out today - but I walked happily from Tanglin area, to Borders to search for a book. In the meantime, I arranged to meet Risca for Lunch near her new lovenest with Yonas (light brown bldg behind Taka). We had Shokudo for lunch which is always SHO(I)K! I then crashed at her place while the newly infatuated Khai took the entire afternoon to finally decide to part from her new special friend.

After one and a half hrs of "Waking Up in Reno" which was interesting becauce it featured Charlize Theron and that guy (can't rmb his name) and Penelope Cruz waaaay back - when Penelope looked damn skinny and gangly, and then an hour of "Hey! Paula" about Paula Abdul - yawn - and then a half hour of "American Idol" (I didn't know they had a blind finalist!!! Will it turn out like Singapore's SuperStar? Where the guy was speculated to have sympathy votes?) , I finally met with Khai outside Gloria Jeans, then proceeded to Coffee Bean and caught up over iced coffee and sadly old cheesecake that I mashed up mid conversation. She's happy and I'm glad :)

We then walked all the way across town to "The Lingerie Shop" at Palais Renaissance for their sale - according to Khai, they had discounts up to 90%! Entering the main boutique on the third floor, it looked nothing like a sale - no signage, no greedy customers, nothing - before I thought that this sale was looking very subtle, the lady cheerily told us to 'check out the sale on the basement' - I had a sneaky suspicion that us non-attas clad mortals were not there for their fine lingerie but there because we smelt a bargain, but she was being very nice about it. And we immediately backtracked and sniffed our way down to the basement and found the glorious sale.

Unfortunately, the range was so-so and the items that we were interested in, still came up to quite a lot even after discount - as their original price was very high to begin with. And besides, I already felt I had a lot of bras and undies - any more would be a want and not a need. So I checked out their nighties and found a cute and unique blue peacock number which came up to a slightly higher price than what you find outside but bought anyway because it was so cute :) This is my third nightie now that I can add to my new collection :)

Disappointed from having found nothing worth buying, Khai and Rad wanted to go to La Senza also because she had their membership card and could get discounts off items that were already cheap to begin with so would definitely be even cheaper!

I bought 5 undies - at promotional price - with further discount thanks to Khai's membership!

They spent a whole hour at the shop and left with more than what I purchased - you could tell from the largely varying size of paperbags we received. Mine was a cute B5 sized paperbag that fit my 5 undies nicely. Theirs were large almost A3 sized paper bags to fit their many bras and undies. They were rather satisfied I think.

From Paragon, we walked to Cineileisure again to see if we could catch a movie. However the shows were either sold out or something that Khai had already caught. I was adamant that we caught a show because that - would have completed my chill out weekend. So we decided to try our luck at Cathay at Handy Rd, but not before resting and having dinner at Kobayashi (Jap for lunch, Korean for dinner hehe)

Not a wide selection at The Cathay eventually but we finally agreed on "Marley and Me" because it was a safe choice and it was the only choice pretty much. We also chanced upon a lovely bazaar that was in the outdoor atrium of The Cathay - we pounced on the first stall we saw and I decisively paid for two dresses - one was plain black for work - the other was faded colourful striped - for me - for fun.

For the next 3.5 hrs, we sat at our (technically) 3rd coffee joint for the day and stoned/read/played hangman/listened to music/watch Khai model clothes from the bazaar until it was finally about time to go up for the movie.

"Marley and Me" was endearing and heartwarming. I noticed that Jenn Aniston's chin is saggier but that's what happens when you watch super backdated episodes of Friends and then see the same actress on the big screen updated with age. I'm gonna give away the ending - Marley dies and you don't get to see him as a cute pup much in the movie. Most of the antics involve him as a fully grown intimidating adult that instilled fear in neighbours, postmen, delivery men, dog trainer and an unfortunate dog-sitter but loved his owner's family to bits, sometimes, tearing their furniture, into bits. The whole show's message was about family and yadayada - the govt should consider screening this movie for free because it makes family life seem so easy to have - the only downside they had was, torn furniture, having to deal with poop, a somewhat "dangerous" neighbourhood, not being able to fully pursue their already well developed careers and death of the dog. They didn't have insecurity issues, they didn't have a flawed marriage with wandering partners, they didn't extraordinary problems with their children and they didn't grow fat or old even when they grew old - not one bit - they should take some make up tips from the Benjamin Button crew - at least give the actors more wrinkles/ lines when they turned 40 on the show to inject some realism. Give Jennifer Aniston some stretch marks for god's sakes since her character keeps producing babies.

Well, I don't really have anymore complaints. I cooked this entry in my head in the taxi on the way home and now reproduced it online.

The only complaint I have its that I really miss Alex.

I miss him the most when I'm having fun because I wish I was having fun with him too.

I want him in my sorrow and in my joy.

Its been a beautiful day.

strange

2009-03-13T00:53:00.002+08:00

its very strange.

everything seems so peaceful now.. though I still feel like I'm at the brink of insanity, I find myself having the willpower to pull myself back.

I've gotten into the bad habit of running away again. I guess I'm just weary from fighting all my life. and then having nothing to fight for and then now, having something to fight for again - myself.

the feelings of despair, the feelings of dark despair. all thrown back at me, all deemed to be useless.

and they are. they are indeed useless, in fact, they are the antithesis of anything useful.

though the lull of giving up draws near, I pull myself away to face harsh brittle reality -

i can't freeze myself in a moment in time, I know that it will all rush by and memory can't grasp tight enough to hold on for long enough. and soon enough life passes you by.

but what other way is there to live?

"people are fragile things you should know by now, careful what you put them through..."

corrine bailey rae

what are you hiding there

2009-03-13T00:51:00.002+08:00

what are you hiding there,

underneath that layer

what are you hiding there,

why don't you seek me in the dark

why don't you come and care

what are you hiding there

why do you find comfort in that lair

of deceit, distractions and disillusions

why are you hiding from the one that cares...

swimming

2009-03-03T22:45:00.004+08:00

I swam today - for 45 mins again. yay!

I love swimming - it is the only exercise I love and can do for 45 mins sort of non-stop happily.

Credit must be given to Alex though, for bringing out the will power in me to push my limit - albeit not very far but farther than I ever knew.

It happened the first time we went jogging together. I knew that I've always been rather strong and maybe even fit but I hated running since my bad experience in Track and Field during Secondary school days. But years later, no pressure whatsoever, running with a lover was a liberating experience. I ran non-stop for I can't remember now, 30 or 40 mins?

and didn't die.

haha.

From that day on, I knew that if I pushed myself, I was able to run more, swim more, do more.

This is very important to me - because now I have the knowledge of having the ability to do something I never imagined possible. I swear. I never freaking exercised before.

Every ache, every tension in my body makes me feel proud. hee.

I loved swimming but never attempted laps. I can carry heavy things and I think I might put up a good fight in an arm wrestling competition but lets not go there yet.

Gonna try to do 45 mins swim twice a week and then maybe up it to an hour, twice a week - I know I can.

changes

2009-03-02T02:01:00.002+08:00

some changes have been made to my blog - for one, the opening title explains the web address of this blog. Its from "Following the Wrong God Home" by Catherine Lim. The book was okay for me, but I loved this lil excerpt from the book. It brings into perspective the vastness of the world, the universe and in time.

Once when I explained the meaning of my blog add to Alex, he asked me how important I felt, assuming I was at a job interview.
I think I answered something like, "To the world, I may not be of any importance, but to one person, to a few people, to an organisation and eventually to society, I make a difference and I am important."

However, if you disagree with taking such a perspective, you can talk back -

because I have a new Chat Box! on the third butterfly link.
realised that Khai's chat box doesn't expire so quickly so decided to get the same one she has...

and if you'd like to listen to some of my favourite music, its just another butterfly away -
I realised lately, one of my niche "likes" - i love reconstructed music - or covers. but of course, it has to be done either really differently or beautifully.

Some of my favourites are:
Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (originally by Oasis)

Against All Odds by Postal Service (originally by Phil Collins)

Ex-Factor by John Legen (originally by Lauryn Hill)

The Carnival Pluck Version - Cardigans redid their own song

Sea of Love - Cat Power (she does really cool jazzy remixes) ((originally by Phil Phillips)

High and Dry by Jamie Cullum (originally by Radiohead)

Frontin by Jamie Cullum (originally by Pharrell - woot woot! damn funny esp when he says "tear your ass up" in his brit-ish
accent)

Crazy by Nelly Furtardo (originally by Gnarls Barkley)

Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm (originally by Michael Jackson) - finally something fast and not like slow mo. hur2

The Boys of Summer by Ataris (originally by Don Henley)

Superstar by Sonic Youth (originally by the Carpenters - done in such a tragic sad way, you just want to drown yourself in
sorrow)

American Woman by Lenny Kravitz (originally by The Guess Who) har.. actually I didn't know this was a cover when I first heard Lenny but since I love Lenny, what the hey.

I Will Survive by CAKE (originally by Gloria Gaynor)

Strangers in the Night also by Cake (originally by Frank Sinatra)

Across the Universe by Fiona Apple (originally by the Beatles - the guru-esque hit turned into a slushy lazy romantic hippified song)

Killing Me Softly by the Fugees (originally by Roberta Flack - love the Fugees :D)

Bizarre Love Triangle by Frente (originally by New World Order - you can hear the original verion during Mambo Nights at Zouk - synthesizers galore... :) )

Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson (originally by the Eurythmics - you have to read this guys review on this song, he says:

If you took an elevator to Hell, chances are this would be playing as you descended into the fire (well, maybe with some Hanson tunes added in for good measure). Manson's devilish croaky vocals take The Eurythmics original and turn it upside down and sodomize it with a spiked baseball bat. Sorry, I've been watching too many horror films lately.
Lollylol-lol

Some of which I find interesting but not necessarily my favourite
Umbrella by Marie Digby (this monster hit sung originally by Rihanna)

Ms Jackson by The Vines (originally by Outkast - recently found out that this song was written when Andre 3000 broke up with Erykah Bahdu)

Jolene by The White Stripes (originally by Dolly Parton - for obvious reasons but I really do find the White Stripes version cool. hate the way Jolene's a beautiful seductress but oh well)

Baby One More Time by Fountains of Wayne (originally by Britney Spears)

and another Punk Goes Britney song:
Toxic by Static Lullaby (also originally a Britney hit)

Okay.. I'll share more when I have the time. Its really late now and I have work tomorrow.

Goodnight world and hve a nice day.

evo

2009-02-27T23:55:00.001+08:00

After self pampering I logged on YOUTUBE and found that my favourite Nigahiga's vids - How to Be Ninja and How to Be Emo were taken off due to copyright issues. He wrote a silly poem about his feelings... but also, he mentioned The Evolution of Dance and asked why this no 1 video hasn't been removed yet.

Anyway, its awesome - makes you wanna shake along. the guy is awesome and fucking funny -

see here:

and see here the second one :

hope this makes ur day!

credit where credit is due

2009-02-26T21:56:00.002+08:00

I asked them to turn off the TV for a while, so that I could make an announcement.

After some clapping from the aunt, we went on to discuss family matters - family payment matters.

It seems to me that, my two moms are really extreme - the negative prudent cautious one that can be annoying but helpful and the naive overzealous unfocused one, that can also be annoying but fun and comfortable to be with.

But personally, I'm very satisfied - finally, credit is given where credit it due.

I'm so relieved and happy - I'm trying to be hush about it so that my excitement doesn't cause any negative ripples.

The thing that thrilled me the most wasn't the sum or amount - that's just a bonus sum to help pay off the things we tie ourselves to in life (like insurance, esp insurance) - the thing that really thrilled me the most were her words to me, and her sincere smile when she said it. All toothy and wrinkly, such that you couldn't see her eyes.

I will treasure those words forever.

This bout of inspiration should get me going on my current assignment.

Envisioning envisioning envisioning a beautiful future.

envisioning the best

2009-02-25T23:07:00.003+08:00

Now that I've made up my mind, I look forward to the path I've chosen, I only want the best.

I keep envisioning that he'll get a job with a great firm, that I'll be able to get a job that is convenient and enjoyable.

I forsee that with some help, I will be able to hook myself up with something.

Visas and what not - no problem..

I envision, a lovely home, a lovely place.

I envision that the weather will never drag me down.

That I will keep in touch with all my loved ones via email, facebook etc and that they will come visit me when they travel.

I imagine a farewell party, a farewell dinner that is teary - and that I will hug all my friends and tell them how much I miss them and love them.

I envision a beautiful future.

One without regrets.

a post with 3 photos

2009-02-22T19:56:00.003+08:00

Just got back from Batam - the first getaway this year...

we had a choc-a-bloc of activities lined up and only 2d 1n to do em.

But all in all, it was good fun, except maybe when Khai was upset that we didn't tell her tt we were going to eat mee goreng. ;p (too hungry la...)

The night before (Fri), we met Jay at East Coast and dropped the bomb that we were going to bring him out for a weekend of fun. :)

He was super shocked and surprised! Can't believe he fell for the trick - hahahaha good and deception I am. ;) But of course, without the encouragement and support from Sadat and all, I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.

So he packed his bags and in the morning, we trooped down to Harboufront terminal, had to sort out some ticketing issues, grabbed a vodka peach, got on the ferry and pretty much slept our way to Batam.

Once we met Khai and the other channel 60 ppl, we checked in, changed and headed off to the pool.

they have a slide! it was so much fun!! :)

after soaking for a bit, we headed back to change and meet downstairs for paintball!!!

The set up was kindda drab and the instructor was okay only - but I dunno, it was my first paintball experience... i wasn't even sure about the game rules but erm, just tried my best to hide and shoot anyone in sight. in the end i was the last man (for my team) for both games... but the other team won, with sadat attaining the flag and me getting shot twice by Khai's colleague... I was introduced to a world of pain... it stung so badly, I was damn buay song... grrr.. but of course, it subsided quickly and I had a lot of fun.. :) we got a nice photo with Sadat pinning the flag down on Joshua.

After paintball, we dragged our sweaty bodies to the Gokart track for a bit of speeding.. :)

As they had a limit of 8 px per round, I only joined in the second batch - to let the guys (less Khai) go first and do their racing. In the second batch, there were more girls and the guys were still racing.. its in their blood I suppose. Sadat was SO not a gentleman coz he refused to switch GoKarts with me even after telling me that mine was wobbly, because his GoKart was a good one. Well, fortunately, it didn't fall apart - though it was a rattling experience. I think I was actually quite good with the controlling.. though the boys all whizzed past me, I whizzed past all the girls... but this could be because this was my 2nd or 3rd time GoKarting and I was slightly familiar with the track. I never stalled and I never bumped into anything, less the time I tried to avoid Anna and unintentionally took a shortcut through the grassy rubbly patch - hur hur - but got on the track again soon enough.

Coming back from GoKart, we made a pitstop at some Warung place to eat Mee Goreng because I was very hungry, haven't not eaten since the night before (skipped dinner coz too busy rushing around everywhere). The place was full of flies, the food took about 15 mins but the Mee Goreng was super duper yummy! Not too salty - not too anything. It was perfect. The noodles were al dente, hur2, the seasoning was just nice and I was very satisfied. Only the fresh sliced veg by the side were bitter - but I suppose, you can't ask for too much for a dish that costs about SGD$1.

While walking back to the hotel, we were recalling paintball and GoKarting - it was nice to see everyone having such a good time :) It was so relaxing, the kampung-ish huts, the chickens running around, the stray dog with a plastic dapao bag in his mouth crossing the road with the crazy traffic and trees everywhere with so much empty land and absolutely NO construction going on... *sigh*

After apologising to Khai and taking a quick shower, we all headed to a Nagoya Hill in a taxi. The bumpy ride was 45 mins long and we were all pretty much rocked to sleep. After settling the massage appointments at "Isabella" spa, we took a novelty break at A&W - most ordered Rootbeer float but I ordered a choco MilkShake which was OK only la.. Then, we stocked up on drinks for the night at the HyperMart - i.e. a ctn worth of Bintang and Heineken beer mixed, softdrinks and snacks. Then to Isabella Spa we headed!

The massage was daaaaamn shiok! Some parts were painful because the masseuse would accidently pinch my skin while rubbing me. Other than that, I thought she was really good, pressing me really hard and she was not giggly like the other masseuse - maybe it was because I was seriously trying to relax. ironic, i know.

I caught a cold during the massage, I swear. It was warm at first but after my body adjusted to the temperature, and being half naked with only a thin white towel for bare protection, I started sneezing throughout the session till I had to request for tissue coz my nose was running.

After what seemed like forever, the massage ended with a damn shiok head massage - which was helpful as my head started to feel "stuffy" from having caught a cold.

I tipped the masseuse and left the place on a high - my body having been kneaded and stretched and rubbed down like a piece of meat. Plus, i really needed to pee.

The taxis came for us and brought us to Golden Prawn 933 for our seafood dinner. Sadat, Josh and Jay joined us from the hotel as they were having their own spa at the hotel room soaking in the tub (individually - not 3 men in a tub rub a dub dub... )

We had a feast! A feast I tell you!

An array of food just kept coming and there was little conversation and a lot of sounds of people munching and chewing and moaning in pleasure. haha. to the background of live malay/indo/chinese/english karaoke.

There was lala in two styles (some wine sauce and chilli sauce), sambal kangkong, garlic morning glory, grasshoppper prawn, hotplate tofu w/egg, black pepper crab and chilli crab! It was awesome... *swoons*

Everybody slept in the 45 min bumpy cab ride back to the hotel... We were all super stoned..

The drinking session had a slow start to it - it was really really nice just sitting in the balcony with the old chums having beer... looking across the vastness, the darkness of the land beyond, the dark grey blue sky dotted with stars that stopped existing many lightyears ago. Pieces of history flashing before our very eyes....

Then Jay and Sadat saw (according to them) the most beautiful shooting star ever... And they both made a wish. Jay commented that, he already got a birthday wish he never had and now, he had a bonus wish. I was really happy that he was happy :)

We were singing and talking cock - random evolution of conversation that can only happen with people who are very comfortable with one another.

We ended up gathering back into the living room watching "Who's Line is it anyway". One by one, we all drifted into a sleepy high and shut our eyes...

The next morning, I awoke, rinsed my mouth and cracked open a can of Bintang - because I was on a fucking holiday man. After finishing the can of beer, we headed down for breakfast at the buffet line, where Khai was dealing with some issues with the hotel management - they discovered our ploy of underbooking!

However, all was settled and we just had to fork out a bit more to cover the additional cost.

I think Khai did an awesome job managing the whole affair. It was a nice flow of events... a bit rushed but still fun and relaxing - it helped that the holiday pretty much took care of itself. :) Altho there was a bit of divide bn the channel 60 ppl and us, but its only due to the level of comfort which, can't be helped - overall, we did a lot of things as a group and had a lot of fun together.

After another round of playing at the pool, sliding down in twos, threes then all together - we laughed our asses off - especially at the antics of Sadat and Cabes - who were gelling together in the way that only gays, I mean guys like them can.. haha.. even Sadat mentioned that if he had worn his black swimming tights, they would So look like gay partners.

This was made worse when they were choreographing different sliding stunts -

"You just put your leg on my shoulders, and face me, then ..."

as Cabes seem to be facing his ass towards Sadat, all of us were just cracking up and I kept thinking that if they went down like this (pun unintended), that Cabes was gonna smash his balls in Sadat's face somehow... fortunately, they didn't.

Heh... they were hilarious... lol

The rest of the morning was spent drinking bubbly and Vodka Peach w/sprite... resting and then waking up to rush off to the Jetty and bid farewell to our neighbouring country.

I'm looking forward to my Batam trip w/Alex on the 28th of March. :)

It'll be a different sort of trip but nonetheless as precious...

2009-02-17T22:42:00.001+08:00

A Favourite from Lauryn Hill - The Sweetest Thing

The sweetest thing I've ever known

Was like the kiss on the collarbone

Soft caress of happiness

The way you walk, your style of dress

I wish I didn't get so weak

Ooo, baby, just to hear you speak

Makes me argue just to see

How much you're in love with me

See, like a queen, a queen upon her throne

Chorus

It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know,

It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know

I get mad when you walk away (don't walk away)

So I tell you leave, when I mean stay

Warm as the sun dipped in black

Fingertips on the small of my back

More valuable than all I own

Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone

Chorus

It was the...Ah

I tried to explain

Ah...but baby, it's in vain

Speaking on my mother's phone

The touching makes me think I'm grown, (you ain't grown)

Sweet prince of the ghetto

Your kisses taste like armoretto

Intoxicating, oh, so intoxicating

How sad, how sad that all things come to an end

But then again, I'm, I'm not alone

Chorus

movies

2009-02-17T02:28:00.002+08:00

I've been on a roll with movies lately - though I still feel pretty much out of it.

There was Benjamin Button, The Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire...

All rather different movies.

I suppose.

I enjoyed all of em - Benjamin Button was beautiful, The Wrestler was rather heart wrenching, Slumdog Millionaire was engaging and endearing and had an awesome soundtrack.

hmm..

Going to be very busy with work - school - alicia's wedding - the gretel idea...

choc-a-bloc-a-bloc.

but i'm also going to be enjoying myself- there's batam next weekend - gonna be paintballing, spaing, eating, relaxing....

then there's coldplay on 23 March. I can't believe i'm going :)

i can't believe i paid $188 - but hey, its a first.

and then 2 days later, i'll be picking Alex from the airport :D

and we'll have 28 days of studying together.. and one another. hiakz3

after he returns, i'll be having exams -

followed by Alicia's wedding

followed by Europe trip - ps. decided to go to spain instead.

And AFTER THAT, its saving money all the way, and leading a life with Alex everyday.. I can't wait... :)

*beam*

Benjamin Button's movie tag line was right, life really is, measured in moments...

Its gonna be a great year I say.

LOL (lots of love),

Joline

You keep me safe in a crazy world

2009-02-12T10:36:00.004+08:00

I don't usually like Corrine May - but while listening to his playlists (which I usually do when I miss him)

I chanced upon this song that kindda touched me - maybe I was in a "touchable" mood.. but anyhoo, I heard this song before on the ipod touch and figured it was Corrine May so immediately changed the song, but listening to it today... I thought the rest of the song was actually beautiful

Corrinne May Lyrics
Safe In A Crazy World Lyrics
(written by: Corrinne May Ying Foo)

I try to smile my tears away I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek
You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms
I find the strength to believe in me again

(also, I bet the song is quite Christian inclined... nonetheless, I love it.)

Its Just Lunch

2009-02-10T02:49:00.003+08:00

Its so sad that we couldn't even have a simple lunch today - all because of an intentional exclusion of somebody that, they simply don't understand.

In an ideal world, we would communicate our ideas openly and freely and not have any more hidden meanings and messages.

To hide under the excuse of having not enough money is just, well, insulting, I suppose - to people who really do not have enough money.

And, besides, its just lunch.

sigh.

On a good note - I've REstarted studying today. Time to get back on track.

My horoscope says today is the best time to break a habit - maybe its to break the habit of procrastination - the intricate and sometimes successful work of the lil devil on my shoulder. The lil angel on my other shoulder has returned from her daydreaming hiatus to battle the eternal war between good and evil. i.e., my conscience has been pricked.

Gdnite.

memory

2009-02-05T22:43:00.002+08:00

It brought back a memory - the thin waterpipe jutting out of the concrete ground for 10cm, turning at a perpendicular for another 40cm and back into the ground in the same perpendicular fashion. Forming a rectangular hurdle, wide and low.

So who, or what used it as a hurdle?

I was returning home from Kindergarden with my Grandpa, I believe we took the bus 317 from my school and came in from the back of the street. The waterpipe belonged to the first corner house - a shabby looking house with overgrown vines, worn out rusty fences posing as a weak barrier to the outside world, plain concrete ground matched the yellowing paint on the exterior of the house. I vaguely remember the owner, except for the fact that she was an overweight aunty with saggy bye bye arms and permed black hair.

Now, as I was walking back with my Grandpa's hand in mine, some dogs imprisoned behind their house gates, started barking at us in territorial defence. There were low growls, high pitched yapping and barks, that actually sounded like "bark bark". I was shocked but unafraid - I knew that they couldnt' hurt me because I was safe on the outside.

When I passed by the corner house with the waterpipe though, the two dogs that were mulling around the compound didn't seem to mind me at all. The smaller size dog, a scrunched up face pug, looked at me seemingly yearning for something... I smiled at him and jumped up and down and said "Jump! Doggy! Jump!"

The pug seemed to smile back and started running in circles around the waterpipe before making a leap over it and around and over again continuously, for as long as I jumped.

I was delirious!

We were at it for, I don't know, a kid has no sense of time.

But when we stopped, I then noticed the other dog hadn't moved from its lying position that I found it in. But it looked amusedly at the lil pug doing his lil act for me.

My Grandpa laughed at me, tugged my hand and said, "Come on, let's go home."

I waved with my fingers and said "Bye Bye Doggy!"

It was one of the happier memories of my childhood...

Over the years, the pug was no longer a pup and grew old and became as lazier as the older bigger dog. They both disapeared behind the growing vines that eventually covered the entire wire fence. And then, they both disappeared for good.

grow up

2009-02-03T02:42:00.002+08:00

there has to be a positive change in me.

there has to.

i'm not a child anymore. I'm not a child - any - more.

happy daze

2009-02-01T04:50:00.002+08:00

Dear Blog, sorry I've not written in you for so long...

hope you aren't feeling empty and void in this cyberspace..

heh.

Anyways... I had a nice and happy day, maybe because I was at Happy Daze.. :)

but no really, I did have a nice, relaxing and inspiring day - the kind where nothing can get in your way of being happy.

Also because I have completed 80% of the big thing. *hiak hiak hiak*

not gonna write too much about it...

but I'm so fucking excited my toes are tingling!!! I pray and hope he'll like it but actually I'm confident he will. *beams*

Last night, I had a dream about a flood - the dream was a first person approach - not the third person, observer type dream where you can see what's happening.

I really dreamt about being in a car.. driving down a road, and suddenly a car in front of us u turned very abruptly and starting shooting down the road in the opposite direction. Only after driving for a little while more did I see that it was an approaching rush of water threatening to flood the streets and engulf it completely!

I turn around contemplating doing the same thing the other car did and run the other way but saw that it had joined a pile up of cars who attempted to u turn and drive off.. so I was sandwiched between joining a pile up and a huge body of water - so I decided to just get out of the car and run to the nearest, tall building - I found an apartment building that was 3 or 4 levels tall and ran up all the way to the highest floor - there was a group of people, a small party of family and friends having a bbq there and they were shocked to see me intrude on their party but I pointed out the approaching flood. There were screams and all ran indoors - I barely made it.

The flood went by the building, water entered even on the floor I was on and we were all soaked but alive. I remember looking at the drenched coals in the bbq pit. It was truly a "wet blanket".... but as I sat there wet and shivering, I was thankful that I was alive and had such a close brush with death.

So I googled the meaning of floods and...

A flood stands for some emotions and cravings which are so strong that they overrun you.

The clear flood water means a positive outcome and a dirty water is not a good omen. Watching a flood means that you are dealing with people who are bothering you with petitions and results. Seeing a flooded room predicts bad luck and fighting. If you are trying to outrun the flood, you are running away from yourself.

Source: http://www.dream-land.info

Now, I'm not sure what strong emotions and cravings I'm feeling - except for the incredulously strong craving for Alex.. I've really had a bad case of the "misses"...

The water was quite clear, so I suppose its a positive outcome.

I don't know if I was outrunning the flood, I suppose I was... but I did it triumphantly and with quick thinking. I dont' know if I'm running away from myself - well, lately I've been trying to occupy myself with lil projects and stuff.

But I guess overall, I have a good feeling about this dream. I think it simply means I miss him a whole lot and I'm trying not to think about it but eventually, it'll have a positive outcome, especially when he's coming back in March. :)

told you nothing could get in the way of my good feeling. :)

2009-01-23T01:41:00.002+08:00

i am not weak. I have been weakened.

i am not scared, I have been made to feel fear.

i have always been shy, always, meaning, since consciousness - because maybe,

i have been made to feel shame.

there is an inner me, constantly scrutinizing everything I do, say and feel.

i have many inner turmoils and struggles - sometimes the righteous win, sometimes, the righteous gets tired and gives in.

i have been giving in - i have been giving in to myself.

very much so, since, why, many years ago.

and now, a large battle is brewing to save myself - but will I have the strength, courage and determination to arm myself sufficiently and fight fiercely, persistently and triumphantly?

it will be, hopefully, a win-win outcome.

wish me luck.

maracas and the little girl

2009-01-17T09:51:00.002+08:00

If you looked into the red-brick house beyond the courtyard, you might care to notice a pair of large eyes, staring out into the world. The large pair of eyes peered from the behind the see through sheath of yellowed day curtain that had once been a glorious sterile white, when it was first hung out. But everyday use, and with the heat and constant humidity, the curtain stained with aged. The grilles of the window you might notice, were in a brick layout - painted in silver, now also aged with grey. The yellowed curtains and grey grilles seemed to be made for each other, till maybe, the next new year, when the owners would try to spruce up how the house looked.

The owners, were an old couple - both in their 70's and both born within a year of each other. They too looked like they were made for each other - with his domineering spirit that you could see in his bulging strong eyes and bulky frame, and her subservient ways that you couldn't even call a spirit, because there was nothing spirited about it. You could see that in her quiet being, one that didn't feel forced or unwilling, but one that seemed made to suit her husband's needs - two people made from the same mould, like jigsaw puzzles, with pieces that looked none alike but fit, perfectly.

They took guardianship of the owner of the large pair of eyes. The said girl, was only 5. She was not old, or aged but she definitely liked jigsaw puzzles. At this moment, she was playing a tune from her little cassette player. It was a black shiny contraption with the word SONY screenprinted boldly in the middle. It was a hand-me-down from one of her cousins who had recently upgraded to a CD player, it was small just like the little girl and it played magic...

The volume knob was at its loudest, the girl was enthralled in the beats of the music and the tunes of the song, the way in which it made you feel lost in another world where people were akin to dancing in the streets and being very very high on happiness and simply that. She thought that perhaps, by playing her songs very loudly, she might share her little finding with the world -

She imagined the neighbours all around listening intently to her music and nodding along, feeling the music fill their senses and arouse them to be happier and to do good. She imagined a random passerby dreadging on in the heat but feeling lighter after catching wind of the music that probably drifted out and touched everybody right in their hearts. She imagined a whirlwind of goodness and happiness and was lost in some sort of celebration dance till, her grandfather, stopped the cassette player.

"No..." she started to whine, but stopped when she met his sharp glare that demanded for respect. "I'll play it softer, grandpa," and he left to his afternoon nap, satisfied that he now had some peace and quiet.

She was upset now, that she couldn't share her joy with the world. She was staring out of the windows ever so forlornly. That's what you might have seen had you taken notice - and if you had felt sorry for the girl, and understood her kind intentions, you might have patted her on the head and said, "don't worry dear, it wasn't all that loud, it wasn't even playing past your courtyard. If anything, people can only hear themselves and everything else is classifed in the head as "background noise". So don't fret, all is not lost."

But she would probably look at you and start to feel a deep sadness, one that cannot be salvaged nor forgotten and you wouldn't have had the heart to feel for her. You would probably shut it out and interpret it otherwise, patting her on the head and making your way again.

Thankfully, no one intervened, so she continued to feel only a slight sadness, one that was not too deep, just enough to get over soon, maybe after supper and a nightcap of hot chocolate. But just for now, she wished she could share her music with the world - a world that could be cured, with music.

merry xmas and a happy new year.

2008-12-26T15:39:00.000+08:00

Christmas doesn't mean so much to me as the turn of the year.

And my perspective changes ever so rapidly once I start thinking about time and its significance.

How the turn of a year means so much at that moment, however, it is but a turn of a day, an hour, a second...

And it seems so vast in the that moment but yet so insignificant when you think about it relative to our lives.

I don't know what I'm talking about.. my mind wanders ever so frequently.

Lately, I've just been wanting to relax and chill out -
but I had presents to make, dinners to go to, parties to plan ...

I know I bring myself all these happenings, I'm happy to do them, I just wish I had more time.

Time...

All this time went by as Alex and I spent the past two weeks everyday celebrating the biggest of events (our first year) and joyfully mulling over the sweetest of events... I truly feel super happy and I can't wait till next June and then forever. This year, the most important stage was our Christmas Dinner together, the gifts and another dinner pending - somewhat involving me as part of the family - and its not like the kind of involvement that's obligatory, its the kind that's welcoming, heart warming and well, unconditional.

Uneventful is the best term to describe my family been thus far, the legal termination of one's marriage, the development of a life-long friendship?
Uneventfulness I suppose is a good thing - all's cool, all's calm all's great, all's loving. I can't ask for more.
Everyday passes by smoothly and the only hiccups are minor incidents like unnecessary comments / small bouts of angry words that have no meaning / intention.

This year, I've realised also the quality of friendships - the fleeting quality and how at the end of the day, the ones that stay behind are the ones that you find yourself needing to put less effort into as compared to those who you constantly have to keep in check.
I don't know. I suppose, i'm happy with my grounding of friendships and secure in the knowledge that they will always be there for me and that they love me for who I am. You know who you all are.

Overall, I just feel at peace - not like the enlightenment-achieving kind but the calm, chill mode and I'm glad I'm entering the New Year that way.

Next year, I want to study harder - I want to get two As per semester.. I want to be able to attend all my classes and I want to save money to repay my mom for the Europe trip.

My weight has been scaling upwards lately due to festivities - but I'm happy with pictures taken during this period - haha. less blubbery :)
But I won't lose it all at once, I like my layer of insulation.

hahahahaha

Merry Christmas, everybody...
hope your wishes come true for the New Year ahead...

london weather

2008-12-18T12:46:00.001+08:00

He brought the London weather along with him when he returned to Singapore -
Its been strangely chilly, yesterday my hair was super messed up coz of the strong winds.
I've had to make sure I have a shawl or a jacket with me in case it gets super cold or in case it rains.

But my heart's never felt so warm.

I really feel that we've both matured as persons and as a couple -
Somehow, our love has matured - in the way we treat one another, in the strong passionate way we still feel towards one another and just being able to look ahead with feeling secure, knowing that thought there will be trials and tribulations, that everything will all be wonderful.

There's still the shouting (mostly from me) and the arguments and the ridiculousness of some of our conversations -
There's still the disagreements - we can never settle for the same movie/dvd.
There's still the struggle to keep each other away from our vices - food/sleep/chocolates/cigarettes/drinks(ok, drinks, not really)

(But you can count us always always, not returning a DVD ontime - video ezy must have a category under its accounts sheet, dedicated to overdue fines earned from Pang Chong Ren Alexander.)

And the key to success is not to eradicate all of the above (maybe the first one, yes, we can try)
but we've somehow managed to work around it... somehow, we've both seemingly settled for a (he hates this word) - compromise and I think a greater willingness to pardon. Which has made life much much easier for the both of us. Somehow, we're more comfortable and at ease with one another.

And this is super important because we have an arduous 6 month stretch ahead of us come January.

But I am super confident that we can make it.

After the 6 month hurdle, we have europe trip to look forward to and then back to Singapore together - forever.

I'm sure I'll write something like that again next year and the next and so on... every December when the air is somehow more magical in that serendipitious way...

exam results

2008-12-15T08:39:00.003+08:00

I kept forgetting to check my exam results - honestly and thoroughly forgetting.
It was a sign of nonchalance that represented slight fear and wanting to ignore the whole affair - hoping it would just disappear into oblivion.

However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. :)

*phew*

So, foresaw correctly the subjects that I would fare best in (PR) as well as worst in (Corp Comm) and left the other two subjects to 'fate'.

But overall, I fared better than I expected - which was not necessarily a good thing either, as I thought I was going to get a few 'C's...

*drumroll*

PR - A ; 5.00
Contract and Agency Law - B ; 3.50
Company Law and Corporate Governance - B ; 3.50
Corporate Communications - B- ; 3.00

The overall semester GPA was 3.75 - and the cumulative GPA to date is 3.91

This meant that my previous semester's GPA was brought down from a more impressive sounding 4.04 by 0.13.

Hmmph.

I suppose I just have to work harder next year.

I remember in the last year of poly - I was struggling hard to pull up my gpa from a 2.72 to 3.00 - and I barely made it with a 3.01.

I'm glad I'm aiming for higher this time. hehe.. as high as I can go.

Rather amazed at my 5.00 A :) :) :) :)

What I did take away from this semester is that I don't really like PR and Corp Comm after all not just from learning the technical aspects of it but also based on a few experiences with some PR and Corp Comm practitioners - or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong kind - like, the lousy kind.

I know I'll do good wherever I go - I'm just wondering.. where am I going?

*hmmm

Okay, nuff "thinking" for the day - time to do some "real work".

ciao!

losing weight

2008-12-08T22:16:00.004+08:00

reasons to lose weight:

to feel good,
to look good,
to not be embarrassed when trying clothes
to be able to fit into clothes you weren't able to before.

yayness.

this effectively means i have ONE more skirt.
woo hoo..

its hovering bn 67- 66 now...
when lex is back, i hope to be able to maintain it at this range...

i'm glad that on top of everything, i'm not obsessive about this -
i do think about it everyday, i have to, so that I can watch what I eat... but I'm glad I don't chastise myself too much and forbid myself from enjoying the occasional ice cream, creamy pasta, kinder bueno, drink or starbucks frappe.
but i've definitely then made up for it with lots of fruit, vege, lesser carbs and all..

i'm sick and tired of people talking about how they diet and how strict (horrible) their diet is..
I mean, I'm sure I'd have to resort to some sort of strict regime when I get older...
but for now, I'm in a moderation is key mode.

more importantly, i know that i'm doing this not to make myself happy - coz I already am very happy and confident of myself.
(although, looking back at poly photos did help to motivate.)

I suppose this is not a "why?" question but a" why not?"
especially when it only serves to benefit.

its fun when i run after work sometimes -its relaxing and destressing -
its very encouraging to see your efforts pay off when the weighing scale shifts left instead or right and when you have another pretty skirt to add to your wardrobe -

*beams*

eurotrip

2008-12-04T04:18:00.002+08:00

Its more or less confirmed!

Thu 26th June - Sun 18th July

Joline will most probably go from Singapore to KL to London, Stansted to Turin to Nice to Turin again, to Venice, Rome/Naples, to Munich/Vienna, to Paris, London, Bristol, maybe Barcelona, back to Stansted, KL and Singapore.

She will not be coming back together with her babe but will be very happy to have been with him nonetheless.

*sigh*

can't wait.

freedom

2008-12-04T04:16:00.001+08:00

the first song i sing to him:

Shadows grow so long before my eyes,
and they're moving across the page.
Suddenly the day turns into night,
Far away from the city.

But don't, oh no, hesitate, 'cause your love just won't wait

Ooh Baby I love your way. Everyday, yeah yeah
Wanna tell you I love your way. Everyday yeah yeah
Wanna be with you night and day.

Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some firefly.
Wonder how they have the power to shine,
Shine, shine, shine,
I can see them under the pine.

But don't, oh no, hesitate, 'cause your love just won't wait

Ooh baby I love you way. Everyday, yeah yeah
Wanna tell you I love your way. Everyday, yeah yeah
I wanna be with you night and day.
Oh baby, oh baby please,
Everyday, yeah,
I will love, I will love ya,
I love your way, ooh baby, please

I can see the sunset in your eyes,
Brown and grey, and blue besides.
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun.
I wish I could buy one, out of season.

Oh don't hesitate, 'cause your love just won't wait (just won't wait)
Ooh baby I love your way (every, everyday)
I wanna tell you I love your way
I wanna be with you night and day (Everyday, every way)

Ooh baby I love your way(Ooh baby, ow, I love your little way)
I wanna tell I love your way
I wanna be with you night and day

(until fade)

in that pseudo high on crack chillax way.

dress

2008-12-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

gonna attempt to make my dress now.
wish me luck!

i want this to be read at my funeral

2008-12-02T11:54:00.001+08:00

I want this to be read at my funeral:

If I should go tomorrow,
It would never be goodbye
For I have left my heart with you,
So don't you ever cry.
The love that's deep within me,
Shall reach you from the stars,
You'll feel it from the heavens,
and it will heal the scars.

happy!

2008-11-28T03:25:00.000+08:00

I'm so happy I'm so high,
I feel like I'm flying up in the sky!

the luckiest

2008-11-23T18:38:00.000+08:00

for him.

jolex

2008-11-23T17:28:00.002+08:00

This scene was taken when we were on the double decker bus to Downtown East yesterday - for Khai's company family day outing.

But seriously, it was just the two of us.

and we floated and floated and floated - Stephen King's IT would have been proud of us. "We all float down here..."

Today is a lazy Sunday - I've pretty much prohibited myself from going out -
It's raining cats and dogs anyway..

I've got some things to do :
un/pack my room
christmas earrings (will blog about em soon enough)

I am feeling a little melancholy..
coz its also our 11th Month - and yet we're 9600 miles apart.

11th month is a month short of 12th Month = 1 year.
I think that this landmark is an proud achievement -not so much so because we've made it.
But rather, because I just feel proud of us -

I feel proud of who we are, what we've done and many more things that we are going to do together.

I've never, felt more belief in anything else, like as if I just knew that this was going to work out and that it's worth it.

We have of course, had many disagreements or miscommunications but those are the mandatory obstacles that we have to go through together.

The most important thing being that at the end of the day, we're on the same page and we'll get to where we want to, together.

This one year, has been a long time, but not so.
Because, strangely, it just feels like the beginning for me.

love,
j

franck mooooler

2008-11-20T00:05:00.003+08:00

I'm not one to drool over brands -

But I remember entering the Franck Muller boutique for a catering rece w/Jin.

And I loved the bronz numbers that adorned the table in drapes and seemingly intentional carelessless..
and now that I need to to industry research for work, I had to research on various luxury brands in Singapore - and I love love love the concept of Franck Muller - Master of Complications -

I suppose, if I had all the money in the world, I might CONSIDER getting a watch like this one:
The colours are so crazy beautiful set against the stark contrast of the clean white background.

and if I really had all the money in the world, I'd definitely get HIM this one:
simple, classy - him.

okay nuff dreaming now.

randomness

2008-11-19T22:21:00.002+08:00

silence is when all the voices in your head takes over
your mind plays tricks on you
pulls a white rabbit out of your ear canal.

I know that there will always be another planet
bigger than this
smaller than this

I don't know what
they are called
what elements they have
and whether they have human
beans

it is all a random play,
a coin disappearing
a spot that goes away

and orbiting into another
wavelength
a conflicting sound
a passionate moment

energy - used...
energy - used for a non meaningful purpose
between you and i

and the rabbit is pulled out of the eye
instead.

pardone

2008-11-19T09:01:00.002+08:00

did the night end so badly that the morning had to suffer from it?
i don't remember.

pls just pardon me.

because no one one wants to listen to me

2008-11-19T08:41:00.002+08:00

Because no one wants to listen to me.
I'll just have to talk to this void:

I was plagued by 4 dreams last night:

2 of them were CSI like dreams.. 2 were just plain scary. It was like, living a series of tv serials.

In the first dream, I was working in a morgue.
I was cleaning a body of a young chinese woman and her two lovers came to visit her.
The first lover was her husband who had actually poisoned her.
The second lover was her love affair, who had come to pay proper respects. The two men never knew of each other's existence.
There were some eerie bits of the woman waking up and talking to each of them. The husband tried to kill her again and ran away... the lover stayed and soothed her asking her to go in peace.
Each of them were told to go back and look under their beds -
the husband found hell money and was freaked out - he ran out of the house and got run over. The lover, found actual money and then later, a little baby girl outside his house, who he adopted and cared for.
My part, was where I found a mix of hell money and real money on the floor, next to the dead woman's body - I ignored them and threw it in with her, for cremation.

I woke up from the dream parched and gasping.

I thought it was already 8am - but it was only 2am.

The other dream was -
me as a young boy in school. being bullied by some older boys.
As a challenge, we had to jump and touch the monkey bar and the boy who couldn't do it would be 'entitled' to one punch from the other boys who could.
It was not fair, I was a short boy.
So I got beaten up by all the other boys.
In class, I daydreamed and imagined that I changed the rules into - holding onto the bar for the longest - and imagined myself hanging on for the longest time and I couldnt' come down no matter what...

The third dream was the CSI dream -
Where I was a female investigator, interrogating a criminal.
He was large and muscular, and looked a bit like Hell Boy, less the horns.
It was a subtle but gripping fear - I realised that the criminal in holding who was supposed to be held down by iron chains, had already had one hand come loose -
the fear was not knowing if he knew, or if he knew that I knew...
and my mind was racing for a way to escape the confinement, away from his reach.
For fear that he would hold me hostage and that I would eventually be pummelled to death or strangled by a single firm hand.

The fourth dream was a continuation from the third where...
I escaped.. and so did he.
There were accomplices that surrounded the building.
They were attempting to blow up the building with us inside.
Having to find the bomb and defuse it, my partner and I searched through the building avoiding snipers and random shooters. Some, being our own colleagues who had turned into traitors.
The bomb was found - it was a radio that would have been triggered off by an radiowave that would meet the wave that it was emitting. But I simply shut it off.

and then I woke up

my heart pounding

and felt like, I hadn't slept at all.

and then I had a fifth nightmare
only
it was in real life.

2008-11-18T23:35:00.001+08:00

A Lack of Colour

And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything the spectrum's A to Z.
(ahh... ahhh...)

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone,
I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine,
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay; given you a reason to stay;
given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years

(it should never ever ever come to this. I love you too much)

a mess

2008-11-18T23:27:00.003+08:00

a mess.
my mind,
my body,
my thoughts,
my life.

my oh my.

a mess.
a tangled ball of yarn,
unpick me,
untangle me,
undo me
so I can make things right again.
as before.

struggling seems to make it worse...
and the strong winds don't help nor do they sympathise.

and now i'm tired and
so are the people around me.
i'm sorry.

i want to run away but no
it would help,
this is not a show.
this is for real.
this is not a dream,
you won't wake up
this is what it is,
you will have to
face the music.
and courage is mustered
from within.
and nowhere else.
not in pages,
nor screens,
not in stories
or tales,
not in someone else's thoughts
just resolute thought
and action.
and an unclouded state
of mind.

Recession

2008-11-18T13:18:00.002+08:00

The recession is coming - its very worrying for everybody.

DBS already retrenced 900 staff in Sg, Citigroup is planning to retrench 50,000 staff worldwide.
And soon this retrenchment exercise will spread throughout the nation and globe.

Should all the laid off staff just turn into hippies maybe? and start a new colourful themed revolution?

I'm definitely feeling the pinch and insecurity.

So much for seeking new ventures next year... we will have to

wait

and

see.

The three magical words on everyone's tongue and minds..

So let's do that then. and pray we don't get the sack, but being Singaporean and working hard AND smart and getting by.

With all that money we're earning, where do we even put it in?
The banks all seem dodgey nowadays - even 2 Singapore Town Councils suffered losses from Lehman brothers investments.

Next thing you know, the hippies are back, and people are putting money in biscuit tins and hiding them under their mattresses.

One of my neighbours are selling their house to fund their children's education - I think that's noble and admirable.

I would do anything for the better of my children.. I should think.

Not lecture them on recession when I don't even have my own job.
sigh.

sucks to be sick

2008-11-18T13:10:00.002+08:00

It sucks to be sick...
it screws up your whole intended agenda
Not to mention how my throat hurts,
How its disgusting to think of an ulcer bubble
at places where I cannot reach
How I can't taste anything (that's the worst bit really)
How I'm given Salmon belly but I can't taste the sweet fat
only feel the soft texture which, makes me even more sick coz
I feel like I'm eating soft tissue paper.
And the sleep - oh the sleep is so dreadful
waking up feeling even more tired than before
You don't want to sleep but the meds make you drowsy
You fall into a restless slumber - of airplanes, of driveways, of random people
of realisation that hey, I can drive, and then, realisation that the realisation meant
you could not drive - and you pass the steering wheel to your friend sitting next to you and both of you
scream.

and then you awake to text messages
from work
and you feel bad
but you have to tell them what to do
on your behalf.
you wish you could reach in through the phone
and show them but no
you have to text them clearly and attempt not to fall asleep mid-text
as it has happened many a time before.

and then
its time to take your meds again
and the tasteless food
with the gallons of water
with another text message tinkling
and in the back of your mind,
the million other things you were planning to do today
all disrupted
coz of an ulcer and how it made you feel.

goals

2008-11-10T01:22:00.003+08:00

Since I'm studying PR and Corp Comm - my head's been swimming with terms like mission statement, communication, establishing relationships, problem statements ... yada.

With missions and visions in mind, I've set some goals for myself - I know the new year ain't here yet, but hey, strike while the iron's hot (or while the mind is thinking and resolute.

Most of the goals are simply to be organised - for I've been in such a haphazard manner that it wasn't funny, it wasn't funny at all.

My vision statement would be: To Organise My LIfe

My mission statements include:
- To organise my room by decluttering
- To organise my time by prioritising
- To organise my work by organising my tasks
- To organise a fucking awesome Xmas party for 20th Dec.

okay. so one of the above is rather short term.

I hope I have all the support I need and mostly self-motivation.

Okay.. ciao ciao.

<3

and with great courage

2008-11-10T01:14:00.002+08:00

Your Journey Ends Here

And with great courage , we move on - trudging on the path of life - realising with every step we take, that the previous step wasn't as bad as it seemed, nor did it take so long.

At the end of the day, when you return home from that long journey, you relive the moment, with every ache and every tense muscle of your body, you relive and re-desire.

Okay, i'm totally talking rubbish.

Though, my muscles are indeed very tense - the neck especially - whoever sees me soon, please give me a few whacks on my uptight shoulders so that my muscles will just relax or at least feel so threatened that they lose all "strength" to hold together and be so knotted up as they are now.

This weekend was a roller coaster weekend - And with every roller coaster ride, there's always the unexpected twist that comes when you least expect it.
At least, in this roller coaster ride, there were no freak accidents, thank god. (was discussing freak ride accidents w/khai today)

The ride is over now, and I'm just glad to be alive, to love, to live to relive and to just be here.. waiting for you.
But of course, the wait will be over very soon -

And like Khai's theory on taking rides once - which theorises that with every ride you take, you increase your chances of being involved in a freak accident, so take it once and then count your lucky stars, you're still alive, I will not take that ride again.

Its been done, over, screamed and shouted, waved my hands in the air and had my world turned around - and now I'm back on solid ground.

So.

Just remember that I love you.

grades

2008-11-04T01:09:00.002+08:00

My nose got raped today - I had an incision needle shoved in it approx 5-6 times.
Just to get the curly wurly nosestud in.
Well, if its that's hard to put it, it better be that hard to get out!

Maybe its a lil overpriced though but, no regrets, no!

Well, my paper went okay today.
I've honestly not been doing as well as I did last sem -
This sems results look like this at the

Business Law -
quiz - 75%
grp assgnment - 68%
end of course assgnment - grades yet to be released but I screwed up the video which leaves me with a max balance of 80% and how much of that can i score right...

PR
quiz - 100%
indiv assignment - 70%
Exam (this coming wed)

Company Law
Quiz - 85%
Grp assignemtn - yet to be received
Exam - TOdAY - regurgitated appropriately i hope

Corporate Comm
First written assignment - 57%
Second written assignment - 55%
Exam - next Wed

Funny how the thing that I wanted to do the most, ended up being the subject I scored worst in.
Maybe I'm just shocked at how uninteresting it has been for me.

I suppose better to find out now than at the job itself!
Which I know, of course is different - practical vs theoretical...

but no... its out. I've made up my mind.

What then?

No events, no...

Social work?

Why not... seems to be the only thing that I will not lose out on... I dunno man.
Corporate comm in a social sector.

Maybe still can.
rarr...

Anyway, this is us on a very good day.
hahaha.. sorry i know u don't like this pic but I love it and its my blog so I can do whatever the hell I want!!!

To more good days and zany pics!

Halloween and the Hollow win

2008-11-02T00:43:00.004+08:00

Halloween is actually a pretty Hollow holiday.

As Alex said, its an excuse for girls to dress like sluts... and probably engage in devillish demeanour.

BUT not us!

If the theme is scary, we're going as scary!

Like, we could have dressed up as the spice girls, or... better yet, Hilary Duff together with Britney Spears (post breakdown) and all the grown up Disney screw ups. Now, that, would be scary.

(haha.. sorry I've been influenced by the "What The Buck" show that I've been watching every now and then. Its this kind of zero news value, full on entertainment value that I indulge in sometimes. Michael Buckley noted that Disney is now akin to a whorehouse pimping out sexually overt teens with the facade of having a pure image)

Anyways.....

we all went as dead people. Too bad, only Gillian was truly recognised as being dead. And like most sad goth girls, the rest of us got rejected as not being in a "full costume".

Probably weary from explaining herself, the door bitch (who's full costume was a slutty concubine complete with flower head gear and a dress so short, she was probably trying to seduce the emperor back into her bed and not into the other 999 concubines boudoir.) She asked us "I mean, what does this symbolise?"

We're dead. Can't you get it.

But what the fuck. $15 isn't really something worth arguing for.

Dead people can be cool and pay their dues.
No unfinished business, no.

The night was long, sweaty and hot. Fun, ridiculous and zany.

It was cool to see people dressed up as bloodied surgeons, the occasional "Scream" mask, not too many slutty devils or angels actually, people really went full on. My fav was this girl dressed up as a zombie - complete with old chinese garb, headgear and yellow talisman pasted on her very white powdered face. She even did the zombie jumping thing all the way to the entrance. hahaha.

Oh, and there was a car crash guy complete with crutches, car licence plate hanging across his chest and bandages galore. Very creative that one.

I wish I saw a cereal killer, but maybe, next yr. hiakz.

I think the fun-nest part was actually the part where we were all putting on our full on make up in the loo.

The rest of the night was a blur of waiting for people, dancing in a crowd and wondering where the hell Khai was.

Either way, I'm so glad we had the scary girl's night out (albeit minus Khai till the last 15 mins)

I guess, I just feel happy enough to write about this. Coz I've been neglecting my blog for the longest time and its not that I finally have something happening to write about, but rather, I have the capacity to say something about it.

Been feeling rather... I dunno, emotionally charged (both positive and negative) lately.

Or maybe I'm just less stressed from work.

Okay, now, this is just an excuse to avoid studying. Which I should go back to now.

Love Love,
J

fool

2008-11-01T12:57:00.002+08:00

I've been acting very selfishly and very
retardedly.

I wasn't like that in the past.

It seemed easier before
to be living my life for someone else and letting that determine my choices -
and hell, blaming that other people for the outcome.
It seemed easier to be broody and have something bad to push me to become a better person.
It seemed easier to be righteous.

Now, I've been dealing with this new found independance, the wrong way.

But I cannot be entirely faulted - just as a baby cannot be faulted for falling down when attempting to walk.

Baby steps I suppose. Baby steps.

I'm glad at least, that this morning, my mother came in and covered me with a blanket.
Funny, how, she used to be the reason for all my bad choices.
Maybe now, she is making it up to me.

My head is in a twirl and its not from the alcohol last night.
I'm scared.
I'm lost.
I'm tired.

Well, maybe I'm fearful that I will be enslaved in a life of being controlled - hence the rebelliousness

Maybe I'm not used to having so much choice that I'm lost.

Maybe I'm tired of making wrong turns and missing the right lanes.

I should be happy you know.
I really should.

I should just be the simple dreamy me.

Not the complicated, angsty me who has become afraid to dream.

angels and devils

2008-10-30T03:14:00.002+08:00

Well, the video post below was my little burst of creativity.

I came up with it on the bus which erm, i took it from.

Honestly, hate to kill the awe that you must be feeling right now - but i was probably emotional due to my period-ic moment.
Hiakz.

But I am still very proud of it and hope that the intended person is proud of it too.

Randomness. I know.

Another random thought -

feeling good over how other people feel not so good.

Okay, I know its human to feel slightly, okay pretty, okay, very gleeful when you realise someone's not so perfect and it makes you feel better about yourself - its the "she's not really a goddess" kind of relief.

But I suppose, other than loving my friends (and myself) for the little quirks that they have that make them so humane and so fucking lovable and one-of-a-kind and so "character", when I really find someone who's perfect say, supermodel-mother theresa-einstein-"Friends-show-lol" mix then, I'd really be in awe so much so that I wouldn't find it in me to be jealous because they would be deservedly god/goddess-like.

well that's the angel and devil in me having their lil debate.

On another note.

Work's getting better- hell weeks are over and Dec 11th is coming, our first year is coming and a party is to be planned.

Hiak3

moving

2008-10-29T21:29:00.001+08:00

Self Pep

2008-10-16T02:33:00.002+08:00

Self Pep -

At the end of the day, one can only hold true to what they are good at...

What do I care about?
What can I do about it?

...

One can't be the most perfect, patient, beautiful, intelligent, wise, charismatic or know-it-all...

and one can definitely be human.

Anyway, I chanced upon some old poems of mine.. back when, I flirted more with words.
Now, I just type diplomatic emails to send to customers and hope for their favourable reply.

Here's some of them- all date back to 2004

Stripped
Stripped off of my facade,
everything that held me strong.
Now that i'm alone, i'm stripped.
stripped of my weariness,
loneliness,
ability to speak.
the room sounds only of the music
you brought to me.
the one that touched my very soul
but you don't realise,
neither do ithat my insides are screaming
screaming questions i dare not ask.
screaming,
" strip me not of faith,
but of dispair and till i wake,
will these dreams stop
being nightmares?"
***

Nothingness
its the passing of the hours
the sharing of emotions that's true.
when all the world revolves around
everything related to you.
and you don't know what ur values are
and you don't know what is right anymore.
all issues are constantly judgedin relativity.
so varying emotions are felt
depending on your position in this case.
till you don't know what to feel
coz there's too much to feel.
you don't know what is there
and you feel scared.
there is need for affirmation,
need for consolation and truth.
all you wanna hear
is that everything'll be over soon.
then when the curtains close
when you say goodbye,
you wish there'll be an encore
coz you noe a better line
and you noe for sure.

***

Yeah, I was lazy with the spelling and the slang.
and I seem to have a penchant for emptiness.

hmm..

and one last one for the road.

a lil heart wrenching piece.

Never

Here i stand in all my glory
seen only by me.
the twinkle in my eyes died long ago.
Along when you would never be.
Taken away not by choice
but by brute force. i apologise.
as much as i am hurting inside
you really would be a precious one.
one cherished, hugged and loved.
No one can see the tears
that stained my face
when i awoke to find you gone.
when it all came to me.
absence is only felt when it happens.
this permanent state of deletion.
this permanent stage abruptily stopped.
what was i thinking? what did i do?
what did i gain by losing you?
and now i'm afraid to love again,
coz i'm afraid to hurt again.
why did i let you go?
your love's my only momento
if i'd turned away, if i just said no.
then you'd be here, life wouldn't be cold.
No heart wrenching thoughts
as painful as when
you were sucked out from life, from existence
but not from my memory.

driving

2008-10-13T02:36:00.003+08:00

I keep dreaming that I'm driving and that I'm careening out of control but somehow save myself at the end of it.
The first one was going down Arcadia Rd and Alex lets of go the steering wheel, and i keep swerving left and right but manage to save us from crashing into the barriers and into a truck ahead of us.

In the second one, a longer and more elaborate dream, Alex and I drink a lot at my Primary School Reunion, him more than I. He gets in the car, parks it at a slope and gets out without breaking. A moment later, the car starts reversing by itself down the slope and I end up having to accelerate it back up the slope and attempt to park it. After over-accelerating here and there and almost crashing, I manage to park it safely without a scratch.

so.. here goes

CAR or VEHICLE: This is supposed to symbolize you in your waking life, in your physical body. Your physical body is used by the soul pretty much like we use a car...it's driven for awhile and we give it gas/nourishment & repairs as needed until it stops running, and then we go back home. Pay attention to your car, which symbolizes your VESSEL/physical body. Are you behind the wheel, or is someone else in control? You want to be in charge of your life, naturally. What is the color & condition of this vehicle? Do you seem to be driving it the right way, on a safe road in good condition, or is the road rocky, winding, or suddenly ends at a cliff? That would signal you need redirection. The bigger the vehicle, the more energy you may be successfully using for your daily lessons, depending on the context of your dream. Note all clues as to how you are faring, and make adjustments accordingly.

Oh. That's simple.

The interpretation seems simply, that, I've physically only got myself now, that he's back in Bristol.

And I thought there was some deep meaning to it all.

But I suppose, I'll just have to save/park myself and not crash just because he's not around.

I suppose that's what I have to do.

I never knew how much I relied on him, till.. now.

perspective

2008-10-13T02:22:00.004+08:00

Perspective haunts me once again.

Like "It" - an innate monster taunting you with what you fear the most, plucking out the essential fearsome ingredient right out from your memory.

At the moment, my perspective is very bleak.

I hate to admit it, negativity is winning and getting the better of me.

everything else is a blank.

i only the past to ironically look forward to at the moment.

to relive it and to revive it.

maybe it can put me back together again?

Let's see..

There was

Tioman

Bangkok

My birthday

Phuket

and the lunch I made for him.

Those will put me right
and in good position to move on.

But not now, for work beckons.

Goodnight world.

g'day

2008-09-22T19:02:00.001+08:00

It's been an awesome month!

And I'm so fucking lucky!!!

I've got fabulous friends and the best boyfriend ever...

Ok time to pay attention to class now...

Lovelove :)

birthday wish

2008-09-06T01:58:00.004+08:00

I have to constantly remind myself what it was like to have a free day.

A day where I could just take my time to decide where to go... maybe to shop? to watch a movie? to have a cuppa with a friend? to just do whatever I felt like doing.

I feel utterly deprived of free time and I know I shouldn't really bitch about it.

I suppose the only guilt-free way of going about it is wishing for a free day as my birthday wish

Where I can ...(in order)

wake up late

do a self facial and fall asleep for another hour

have a super late lunch (i want to eat jap)

go to the doctor to get rid of the thing inhabiting my toe

have a pedicure

have a manicure

get my hair treated and cut

read a trashy magazine while being pampered

go for foot reflexology! and then back massage

browse and buy an adorable dress

buy matching shoes - and then another and another, just in case

have dinner (i want steak)

catch a hilarious comedy

have a bottle of Deinhard Green Label and chill out with darling ren to end a very satisfying day.

This was like reminiscing when life used to be that way every freaking weekend.

and I don't think its asking for much. I really feel like tearing now... sobz

:s

saturday night

2008-08-30T23:34:00.002+08:00

Some random thoughts:

1. Saturday night, unlike other nights, feel like they should be treasured.

2.Miss J feels displaced. In a funny, happy sort of way. Its weird. Like getting lost and finding paradise.

3.I'm not really looking forward to my birthday because there are so many things to do before it's here. Assignments and events that are really not inspiring me to even contemplate something interesting to do this year.

And besides, I seem happy enough -

but there's not reason not to partay!

4. I think happiness gives you reason to feel content and sometimes, that means, you don't mind being a little less perfect, though you know deep down inside that you should be the best. I suppose. its that balance of being happy with what you are and striving for what you can be.

5. I worry that I will lose direction and that I'll forget the big picture while stopping by the interesting places along the way.

6. I worry that I will create a new me and that the old one will get left behind like an unwanted ornament.

7. I've realised that having chronic back aches for two - three weeks, make you truly appreciate when your back's not aching at all and somehow, makes you feel especially good. Like its a pleasant surprise when its not aching.

8. In that way, in a not-so-good way, some people experience hardship or unpleasantries most of their life, that when they experience something pleasant or nice, they get surprised. And that, shouldn't really be the case. And they know it.

9. I've gotta start recording my cashflow again since the new month's began.

lazing

2008-08-17T16:10:00.003+08:00

feeling very lazy.
I'm typing this from my iPod touch and I know there's a better way to do this and that I need to dl more apps and that I need to unpack my room and that I need to study for my of and that life awaits me.

But I'm too tired right now.

Or too damn lazy.

Help!

runnin runnin

2008-08-14T13:58:00.002+08:00

I was always running around the convent school grounds as a Pri school kid. We would play hide and seek or catching which involved being seen by the catcher and running away screaming at the top of your lungs.

I used to think I was invincible - that I could outrun anyone with my feet that seemed to just fly and my boundless energy.

Until during a race, I was beat by a long legged classmate who REALLY could outrun anyone.

My perfectionist streak couldn't take it and I was deflated by defeat.

To make matters worse, I had to join the TAF club (the cruel reverse acronym to indirectly say its the FAT club) because I was overweight by 10% (due to my mom feeding me chicken rice, thinking that I was too skinny). That further punctured the shield of invincibility I had and I felt sad and disgusted running alongside people who really were fat - thinking that I was now, one of them.

So I grew up being a TAF club member - fortunately, Secondary School had a better leeway - if you were in the top 20 percentile of being overweight you had the OPTION of joining the TAF club.

During a mandatory tryout for Track & Field, I was surprisingly selected for Track and was forced to join. However, it was super demoralising running alongside with long legged energiser rabbit like creatures. I kept finishing last just so that they would drop me and after 6 months, I finally managed to quit it and joined the Choir instead.

For the annual NAPFA tests, I always managed to get either top or next best grade for the 5 items but would fail miserably or borderline pass for the 2.4 km run.

So after all that, I don't know what possessed me to jog approx 3-4 clicks with Ah Ren on Tuesday - and I didn't stop.

I'm very proud of myself and Ah Ren was super encouraging before during and after.

"Breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth."

"Is it because if you breathe in through your mouth, not all the oxygen gets into your lungs?"

So I tried it - and it felt like swimming -

"That's why swimmers have the best lung capacity."

I don't know about lung capacity but keeping to the breathe in via nose and breathe out via mouth thing really kept me energised throughout the entire run.

I wasn't wheezing and I didn't get stitches.

Amazing.

I guess nothing is impossible when you keep taking one step at a time.

"If I could dance all night long in 3.5 inch heels from 12 midnight to 6am in the morning, why can't I run nonstop for half an hour?"

And time flew...

At the last leg (hur hur) of the jog, I just stared at his sinewy muscles on his calves flexing as he ran slightly ahead of me. (Yum)

"Just a bit more darling. We're almost there..!"

and we made it.

A sweaty kiss and some stretching after, did us some good followed by another rented DVD that we had to watch before the due date.

"Wow, I'm very impressed with you."

hehe.. so am I.

Did you say 4 clicks?

Room

2008-08-11T00:20:00.004+08:00

It is finally done! Just a few finishing touches and it looks complete. The brown starry flowers were actually the brown swirly diamond-ish things on the onion-lookalike head on the main design put together like a flower. Hopefully they take attention away from the unitentional botch up on the main swirl on the wall facing the outside window.

I'm so happy with the results!!!

yayness. I can finally have a room to call my own after Mi and Nanda kindly helps me shift my stuff back.
*relief*

pretty aye!

Cookoff 1

2008-08-10T22:28:00.007+08:00

Cookoff 1

I remember the first time we had met after a very long time.
We were supposed to meet for dinner. After racking my brains for a nice place to go and eat, he wasted my brain cells by suggesting I go over for dinner at his place.

It was the first time I'd try his cooking.

"Chinese or Italian?"

"Chinese."

"I thought so."

and so the solo act for the day was double boiled herbed chicken.
Juicy tender chicken that simply slid off when I attempted to jab it with a fork. hehe.

"We should cook together one day."

"Hmm... its very difficult for people to work with me in the kitchen."

"I think I'd be a good person to have around in the kitchen. I know how to stay out of the way and I'd do well prepping."

"Okay la."

So 7 ish months later, we had our first cook off!

The guests were his bunch of friends. So they were more or less used to his cooking but there weren't prepared for my input for the meal :)

The menu was ...
French Onion Soup w/a dash of sherry

Roasted Leg of Lamb w/grilled mushrooms and potatoes

Dessert grew steadily from one item to three.
(" I like variety with desserts."
"You want variety? I'll give you variety!")

Chilli Lime Sorbet w/candied zest
Red Wine Jelly w/fresh strawberries and grapes
Fresh Strawberries w/creme fraische (an attempt at finishing the leftover fruit and creme fraische hehehehe)

We had to do some grocery shopping -
Veal Stock from Culina
fruits/dessert ingredients potatoes, mushrooms and french loaf from NTUC & Cold Storage
Leg of Lamb from Swiss Butchery.

The budget was $20 per head to which we did to keep rather well.

The onions had to be sliced and sauteed well in advance because they take so damn long to caramelise... Following which we added the veal stock and I think some red wine and let it boil and simmer.

I had to start on my dessert early as well because the sorbet and jelly needed time to freeze.
The first twenty mins I swear, was spent squeezing 20 fucking large limes. I have very strong palms now. After extracting juice from 20 fucking large limes, I mixed it with icing sugar and added in 3 split green chilli padis. Left it in the fridge for half hour and then added in the creme fraiche, chucking it in the freezer, hoping it would freeze in time.

After which I did the red wine jelly. Making jelly like you normally would but adding in red wine instead of the second cup of water. Left a bowl of strawberries and grapes sitting in some red wine soaking till they were bloated and topped the jelly with the soaked fruit. Put it in the freezer and hoped it would set in time too!

As an attempt to salvage the leftover strawberries and creme fraiche, I layered them in a glass bowl. Voila!

And since I was on a roll, I swear, I went two extra steps and did a some candied lime and chilli zest and while waiting, scooped out some of the squeezed out lime halves to use as tiny bowls for the sorbet. :)

When I was done, Ah ren came and started on his onion soup - added in everything else and left it on the fire to reduce.

The lamb was seasoned and spiced and Ah ren did his thingamagig with it before popping it in the oven to slow cook for two hours.

The potatoes and mushrooms were salted and buttered before being popped in the oven as well (45 mins for the potatoes and the mushrooms joined them for approx 20 mins)

Just before serving the nicely reduced and sherry-dashed onion soup, Ah Ren topped some sliced baguette w/mozarella cheese, melted it in the oven for a bit before charring it with his blow..... torch. hehe.

The onion soup was sweet and very nicely flavoured. One friend didn't finish it only because she didn't like onions. I think being an onion (and garlic and all pungent flavoured food) fan, I tend to forget that some people actually avoid such ingredients. They don't know how a tear inducing thing such as onions can be caramelised to such sweetness... I love to even just eat raw onion rings and taste the juice splattering as I crunch on it. :) Everyone unanimously loved the nice touch of baguette w/melted cheese on top.

The leg of lamb was taken out whole and sliced in front of our guests. The doneness was just right and Ah Ren sliced from outside in and served it to those who preferred it more well done and then to those who didn't mind it crawling on the table leaving a trail of blood. What looked like a large leg of lamb reduced to nothingness as people asked for seconds and thirds and fourths. :)

The accompanying grilled potatoes and mushrooms were also very well liked. With Ah Ren's expert sprinkling of salt and slices of butter, the potatoes and mushrooms flavoured themselves. The potatoes were a tad soft but nonetheless finished! Ah Ren felt the mushrooms were overdone but I thought they were perfect. People grabbed at the mushrooms unashamedly, savouring the natural flavours, never having tasted such simple food taste so good before. :)

After enjoying the mains, I headed into the kitchen to dish out the sorbet.
Fortunately it was pretty frozen, but as it only had about 4.5 hours to freeze, it melted very quickly. The reason for serving it in the halved lime skins was also to limit the portions as I had made the flavour very strong not realising that somehow the flavours tasted more concentrated when frozen than in liquid form. Topped the chilli-lime sorbet with the candied zest and brought it out together with the Red Wine Jelly and Strawberries w/creme fraiche.

Fortunately, no one died of shock with the chilli lime sorbet and some even took up to 3 lime halves. :) They all liked the candied zest and thought it was interesting. Ah Ren especially liked the Red Wine Jelly (Awesome! since, its MY RECIPE - okay nothing to it but still, MINE) The Strawberries were also finished since it was a simple and sweet dessert.

One of Ah Ren's friends commented that it was nice to have "adult desserts" and that together, Ah Ren and I worked very well together.

To me, that was the sweetest thing. :)

GREAT SUCCESS!